I have a lot of making up to do...

...and I feel just awful about my absence from the blog these last few days. I was, well, I was detained. Not by a hard-minded corporate jobby as Worldgineer insinuated (great word, love that word: "What are you insinuating, Reginald?") But I will certainly do my best to recover my dear readers' approbation and I vow to make things better.

First thing to do is to announce a winner for the Caption Contest from Hell!!! This was not an easy picture to caption, Folks. It took ingenuity, perseverance and grit. Three things you people are in no short supply of... Of which you people are not soon to be running out of... The sort of thing you guys have lots of... in you. Dangit! That dangling participle just won't fall off.

And now it is finally finished (the contest, not the sentence): A WINNER HAS BEEN CHOSEN!!!

First Place:

Worldgineer said...

Who knows the entire Greek alphabet?

Second Runners Up:

Koobs said...

Aaron and Jenny congratulated each other on winning the pairs "who can keep their mouth open the longest" competition

Gober said...

As fate would have it, Tom's first "no-look high five" was also Rachel's first broken nose.

Congrats, World and other great captioners. Well, done to all those who participated in this toughie. Next week we'll try some rorshach(?) tests to see if we can stump you crazy captioners. I swear, you people could caption a blank piece of paper! you are THAT good. Worldgineer's prize will be chosen at random from my prized camera phone picture collection and emailed to him on his next birthday... whenever that is. Just kidding! He'll get it soon. Oh yes, soooooo! n!

As an extra treat, because you've all been so kind and patient (well, Worldgineer is really the only one who reads this entire blog every day, over and over, in a monotone to his pet tortoise and two dogs), here's a linky el fid sent in which is sure to tickle your funny bone! Well, if your funny bone is black, that is.

That's Not Egypt...

Can you name ten films shot in Tunisia?

Now you can.

a-l-m-o-s-t

Almost
almost
ALMOST
alMoSt
alMOST
ALmost
aLMOst
almosT
aLmost

almost is a funny word. : )

Bowling Backwards

Just 'cause he can doesn't mean he should...

Show off!

Wooster Hawgs

FYI, the Hawg Closet in Wooster, Ohio is going out of business. So, those of you who, you know, need one or two last t-shirts and maybe a leather pantsuit, be sure to stop by. Right next to the Seattle's coffee shop on North Market Street as listed in the Leather Pages.

Square Wheels That Go Round

Philately of the Day

A cinderella is the philatelist name for stamp-like seals or stickers (like those issued by charities or government) that have no postal validity. Kind of like Easter Seals. But don't be fooled by their lack of postal value. These mini posters can be worth just as much as a stamp. And yes, I know I'm repeating the audioblog, but these were too darn cool to pass up. Take a peek.

Resting Place

This photo was recovered from my cell phone this afternoon after a long bus ride across town which happened to pass by this small cemetery. Would you like to be buried here? Within view of this enormous Church? I would not. Not only is it on a major busline, it's directly across the street from a Discount Drug Mart. That's right. The final resting place of these few poor souls is at gravestone level with the parking lot of a ghetto-fabulous drug store. A discount drug store. I'm pretty sure that when St. Patrick's chose the corner of Puritas and Rocky River Drive in 1851 it was probably a spacious lovely area. A fitting burial place for devout Catholic believers of the parish. But now... yes, now. Not the same.
But whereas we are skiddish of such garish juxtaposes and quiver at the thought of Slurpee cups tossed over the fence onto our memorial plaques, I doubt the dead mind it nearly so much as we do and it would certainly be a sobering sight for any would-be robbers. They are such even-minded folk, the dead. Sometimes I admire them for their composure. Or decomposure. However you want to look at it.

Marketing Affiliates?

If Scott Adams is so successful with Dilbert, the Corporate Cartoon, why does he bother with this stuff?

Oh, and Dilbert has a blog, by the way.

Caption Contest!

And this time, I swear there will be prizes! No really. I mean it. Winner gets a free camera phone art montage collage exhibit collection presentation. Hurrah! Now on you get!

Cures the Cold

Guess what's curing the common cold these days. There's a winning pick up line in there somewhere, I can feel it!

Pizza Delivery Stories

You can read 'em yourself.

I liked #58.

Poem

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You have a job.
I want one too.

How NOT To Honor Martin Luther King Jr.

Wal-Mart, you should be ashamed of yourself. Tsk.

My P.S.A. for the month:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

(sent by Ray)

Fowl Play

The neighborhood's gone to the birds.

(unofficial caption contest)

No Job Yet

But I am getting calls for interviews.

In the meantime, I'm gonna clean my dishes and vacuum the fake pine needles off my floor.

How To Find Gainful Employment

So I am trying to find a job, (due to my recent layoff from my boring and underpaid desk job at a local institution) and I am sad to report that after two and a half days of searching I have not landed one. I know! I'm as shocked as you are.

Immediately after receiving the news that I would no longer be required to show up and sit in a chair and amuse myself on the internet, the job offers started pouring in. Friends, coworkers, and mere acquaintances called and responded to my need with a variety of possible wage earning opportunities. Just to name a few of the things I could be doing right now:

• House Painter
• Lowe's cashier
• Florida Turnpike Toll Collector
• Med Rep for local Sales Firm
• Housekeeper
• (Unmentionable)

Having no luck finding the kind of job I wanted, I set about creating the world's best resume in order to find a job I could earn a living at. I got up early on Monday. I called references, I called friends, I roped in leads from the paper and the internet. Monday night I went to a job seekers Networking meeting at my church. I was doing the work. I expected a job at least by Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning: Still no job. So I got up again, at 6:30 this time, printed my resume and headed into my alma mater for a quick meeting with career services. (If anybody should be duty bound to find me a job, it's them) Then to the temp agency to fill out forms that indicated where I'd been for the last ten years, where I'd lived, who I lived with, my criminal, medical, and military records, what color my hair was, social security numbers, teeth prints, urine samples, fingerprinting, number of times I'd seen Anne of Green Gables... the works! I felt like I'd been dissected and catalogued, like a bug. So I said goodbye to the temp people and ran across half a mile of frozen landscaping to save my metered car from a fate worse than ticketing. And yet, still no job!!!

I returned to my parents' house (free internet, thanks, guys) and began again; resume rewrite, cover letters and references. My 7 yr old nephew was sitting behind me watching a World Cup game on tape when I turned and asked, "If this was my resume, would you hire me?" I expected a smile and an, "Aunt Sarah, you're crazy!", but instead I got a, "Well, what can you do for me?" I laughed. "I have a broad range of skills and qualifications. What do you need done?" He thought about it. I turned back to my typing. Ten minutes later, my nephew speaks up, "I'll pay you 50 cents," he says, "for every hour you spend talking to students, giving them advice." "50 cents an hour?" I ask. The offer sounds pretty good actually. "But you have to be talking to students. If there are no students, I'm not paying you to wait for them!" "Fair enough. So you want to pay me fifty cents an hour to advise students. On what?" "Advise them on their health." "Right." "In fact," he turns towards me, momentarily ignoring a bad call from the Polish referee, "I'll pay you 20 cents a person or fifty cents an hour." I mulled this over. "So, if I speak to three students in an hour I will actually be earning 60 cents not 50. Are you ok with that?" "Yes," he said. I told him I'd have to think about it. I don't even have any students to talk to anymore. I'd have to find students, but let's say I got a speaking engagement at a local high school - manditory attendance - and I talked to them for fifteen minutes about their health. If there were 300 students, I'd be pulling $60 bucks for a quarter hour's work.

True Motivation

It was only a matter of time before someone used the motivater poster page to express something genuinely motivational. Dabuheebly sent these:

The first two posters are made with photos of kids in a Sudanese refugee camp. You can find more like them at this site.

Rolland and Heidi Baker who minister to them are doing what Jesus said to do for the little ones who don't have stuff.

The fishing kids are from Angola and the rehearsal guys are from Watoto.

What I Learned Today

Today I learned that I'm being laid off from my boring desk job, effective today with paid vacation and health coverage through the end of the month. How exciting. Secretly I'm very pleased!

So, this means I need a job... anybody hiring?

Bonzai!

Only a culture obsessed with tiny controlled plants could come up with a game this odd.

Sweeping Generalization Thursday

"Anyone who's attended Catholic school has a fear of nuns."

Make Your Own Inspirational Poster

Ever since discovering despair.com, I've wanted to make my own motivational posters. You know, like the ones of the gorgeous country road and a man on a bike powering his way to victory. Or whatever. And then it says in huge letters underneath something retarded like, "tenacity - the way to achieve is to speed past the competition" or something equally inane. Well, I found a site that lets you do exaclty that: make your own. So fire one up, folks! Maybe I'll set aside a little room in the sidebar to show off your works of art. We'll call that the "fridge" area. Heck, I'll see if I can put them up in the subtitle box, actually.

I've thumbnailed them for convenience. Click the image to see it in all its glory. Sorry if the format is sloppy. I'll fix it tomorrow.

Mine:

Tara's Brilliant additions (very nice, Tara. very nice indeed!):


Worldgineer's speak for themselves, I think:



Jon "The Athlete" Phillips is highly motivated!:


AO, that genius:


Steve DeGroof should hold seminars:

Wisdom Cats

Jude Law the Paperdoll

A link from honestus on the other paperdoll post brought me here. Damn you, honestus! Damn you to hades! my eyes! My eyes! They burn!

Random Dictionary Page Headers

Collected over the course of one very quiet Thursday [edit: Wednesday. Sorry, World.]. The top of each dictionary page comes with two words seperated by "to." Here are a few of my favorites. Please feel free to check your dictionary for more and add your own.

hairball to hallelujah

Promised Land to prophylactic

dumbbell to dusk

parathion to parliament

frizz to fruit

ambulance to amnesty

delicate to demented

right to ringworm

Do You "Jump Dress?"

Dave Barry Reviews 2005

If a man who looks like this:

doesn't know 2005, then no one does!

Portabella Mushrooms

Portabella mushrooms are just overgrown criminis mushrooms. Pennsylvania and California are the largest mushroom producers. Mushroom "farms" are climate controlled buildings; airflow, temperature and light are all constantly monitored. Mushrooms are low in calories, have no cholesterol and are virtually free of fat and sodium. Mushrooms also contain other essential minerals like Selenium, which works with Vitamin E to produce antioxidants that neutralize "free radicals" which can cause cell damage. Studies have suggested that selenium may reduce the risk of cancer, cardiovascular disease, may slow the progress of HIV disease and may aid in symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, pancreatitis and asthma. Studies show men who eat selenium rich foods may lower their risk of prostate cancer. Phytochemicals found in some mushrooms are being studied as possible cancer-fighting substances, according to the American Institute for Cancer Research. Mushrooms are relatively high in protein, averaging about 20% of their dried mass. They contribute a wide range of essential amino acids, are low in fat (0.3 - 2.0%), high in fiber and provide several groups of vitamins, particularly thiamine, riboflavin, niacin, biotin, and ascorbic acid. While nutrients vary from one kind of mushroom to the next, many contain protein, vitamins A and C, B-vitamins and minerals including iron, potassium and phosphorus. One Portabella mushroom generally has more potassium than a banana.

PaperDollBlog

Paperdolls meet blogging

Very nice!

Scared of Santa?

Me too! Now that Christmas is over we can say it: Santa freaks people out. It's just the truth. And some of the Santas they hire for malls are just obscenely unjolly. Wrong, wrong wrong!

(I found this somewhere else from somebody else. Consider yourself credited.)

"Homage to k_sra"

... returns nothing in a Google Search.

Pity.

Happy Hogmanay, Everyone!

and Happy New Year, too. : )