8.31.2006

Photoshop Contest Entries So Far...







So, get this, folks, we're only halfway to our deadline of September 7th and we already have 6 entries! We're cooking with Crisco, but if you haven't entered yet, it's not too late! You have one week to hack together something charming or witty or hilarious or sweet. (Or stupid. You can do stupid, too. You're allowed.) So get to it! All you scaredy-pants out there, just steel your quivering mouse finger and click your way into MS Paint! I know there are some great ideas still out there and yours could win the prize!
Original photo here.
(although Peter Sealy cheated by finding a different photo of me, but we won't hold that against him)

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8.30.2006

How To Underachieve And Be OK With It

So I get a mass email the other day from a college friend. She talks all about how she was going through photos of our theater days together and wondered where we all were and what we were up to. She then talks about her and her husband and their pursuits and asks us to respond with our current info.

And I think, 'Oh, this is neat! All these people I haven't heard from and now I will.'

And the emails start pouring in: "I'm in LA working as an actress," I'm the Executive Director of a multi-million dollar Reperatory Theater," and my personal favorite, "I'm finishing my MFA in Film Directing at USC and travelling the world on a documentary film project."

All this excitement and success got me thinking; what the hell have I accomplished? What have I actually done since graduation? I think the answer is "jack" and or "squat."

So, in typical blogger fashion I am asking the people who (ironically) know me better than anyone else - that's you, dear reader - to help me out on this one. Have I accomplished anything in the last five years that's worthy of note, because so help me, I can't think of a thing!

I barely earned my keep. I finally got a car. I dated and broke up with my boyfriend. But I have no tangible successes (unless you count that one time I earned third place on a Script Writing competition or my half-written novel that I haven't touched since December).

The only thing I've done worth any merit is establish friends and contacts around the world over the internet. I have yet to actually use any of these contacts, however. I have a Bachelor's degree. I have yet to apply my education though, or for that matter, to seek any further education (and I was voted "Most Likely To Succeed in My Field" by the Faculty of my Department at graduation). God, this is depressing. I'm sorry to make you all suffer, but I have to honestly look at my life for a minute.

Somebody remind me why am I such a wash out? Why do I have nothing to show for myself and why hasn't this bothered me very much? Why am I OK with underachieving? Because , quite honestly, I am. I know I could go to New York and get a Film degree. I know I could fly to LA and hit the Hollywood machine. I know I could pound the pavement for directing gigs in town and carefully craft a resume worthy of the approval of my peers, but do I want to? No. I don't.

So why not?

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Weird News Is Old News

From a Savannah Web Board:

By the Way, What Stories Have Been No-Longer-Weirded?

Eighty such themes have occurred so frequently that they have been “retired from circulation” since News of the Weird began publishing in 1988, and for the next few months, they’ll be reviewed here.
Too many pranksters nowadays kidnap school or business mascots (like inflatable Ronald McDonalds) and vandalize them or hold them for ransom. Some libraries do have policies to have patrons arrested for long-overdue library books. The incidence of fires increases as smokers hooked up to an oxygen supply simply must feed their habit. And gasoline thieves who work at night need to check the tank somehow to see how full it is, and all they brought with them are matches or a lighter. These stories used to be weird, but let’s face it: no longer.

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8.29.2006

Pop Quiz!

What is the "mineral" in mineral oil?

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8.28.2006

ANIMATE

(stolen from Steve DeGroof's Multiply page.)
(it doesn't have to be dirty, but it probably would help...)

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8.25.2006

Photoshop Contest!

There will be actual Fabulous Prizes!


Give k_sra a better/funnier background! Send links or JPEGs to ksrasra AT gmail DOT com and win Fabulous Prizes!
Winner will be anounced two weeks from today on September 7th!*


*(multiple entries allowed. must have valid address to receive prizes. void where prohibited. Fabulous Prizes is a registered trademark of ksrasra enterprises.)

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8.24.2006

Food for Thought

No two popcorn are exactly the same.

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8.23.2006

Limerick Wednesday

There was a young fellow named Clyde
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother
and fell in another
and now they're interred side by side.


A tutor who taught on the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?


There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

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8.21.2006

Is it Friday?

8.18.2006

Hey Ya (Acoustic)

Wind Tower

I want one!

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Stress Test Testers Wanted!

A web designer is looking for feedback on the following stress test (and web site in general). I invite my readers to sound off, take the test*, and generally add input on how the site could be improved.



* My score was 89% stress tolerance, 49% patience index.

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8.17.2006

Elvis Lives?


I bet
he's dead.

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Words I Don't Know: 'K'

I've been waiting (im)patiently for this letter of the alphabet to surface from the tiny pages of my pocket-sized edition of Webster's Dictionary I found in a corner somehwere a year or so ago. And today is the day that I make the leap from dream to reality in expanding my 'K'nowledge of the letter 'K.'

Here are the words from two and a half tiny pages of 'K' words:

kachina: A doll representing an ancestral spirit of the Hopi.
kapok: A silky fiber from the fruit of a tropical tree, used in pillows, etc.
Kaddish: A Jewish prayer recited daily in the synagogue and by mourners.
Keogh plan: A retirement plan for the self-employed.
kepi: A French military cap with a flat, circular top and visor.
ketch: A 2-masted sailing vessel.
kilocycle: One thousand cycles per second.


My Favorite K-words:

kudos, kismet, kibbutz, kitsch

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8.16.2006

Wednesday: Or How Birthday Is Done

Stage One: Tell everyone you see that today is your Birthday.
Stage Two: Reap all the benefits!

So far: Free drink from my Barista this morning. Pizza and cake with coworkers (and their families) at the office for lunch.

And coming up: Dinnner and party with BF after work!

Fan-Didly-Tastic.

I love twenty-nine! I should turn twenty-nine EVERY day! And I think I will!

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8.15.2006

Tuesday Loose-Day

Tuesday got by me like a snogger in a coat room. Groping at the corners, tight-ill-fitting, clinging. I tried to fight it off. By late morning Tuesday was tired from the effort and sat down on a pile of overcoats to look at me. By now it's asleep. Probably drunk, not like I am. If I'm lucky, I'll lose Tuesday when I leave work and forget entirely what day it is. I have a date on a Tuesday night. And I'll fight anybody who says I don't. I will punch you right in your nose!

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8.14.2006

cop to mondays

Just shy of being able to care about punctuation and spelling this saggy monday. Rolled out of bed like a cowboy's cigarette: one end unstuck. Opaque brain wobbled to the office with a coffee in hand that proceeded to shake me to my core. Deduction: no caffeine for woozy people.

Inapropriate amount of emotional energy for simple tasks. People repeat wordless conversations around me. I stare blankly and occasionally smile. Babble on about new nephew to anyone who will listen. I'm not even listening.

Haunted by crazy kitten dreams from last night's bed laying. Waiting for redemption in the form of a stiff breeze or a hug or a week asleep on my back where dreams can't touch me.

Don't even care that it's monday.

But it is.

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8.11.2006

How to have a great weekend without even trying:

1. Call up old friends and catch up.
2. Accept all invitations to BBQ.
3. Read cards and letters from boyfriend who is away.
4. Visit sister who's come from out of town.
5. Wait for your new nephew to be born!

Hope you all have a great weekend. I know I will!

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8.10.2006

Words I Don't Know: 'J'

this is an audio post - click to play


jejune: lacking in nutrition, uninteresting, immature.

jitney: small bus transporting passengers for a small fee.

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8.09.2006

Oh, Brother Where Art Thou?



Happy Raksha Bandhan, to all my brothers, biological and adopted!

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"I feel like angry Chinese food tonight, Honey!"


OK, so you've had a rough day, your wife or husband forgot to leave you the car keys and you had to walk to the train (which you missed), you got soaked in the rain, your boss gave you a lecture on time management, and even your kid wouldn't kiss you when you get home. You're in a foul mood and there is nothing you can do about it.

...or is there?

(Those crazy Chinese! What will they think up next?)

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8.08.2006

Rub My Aura!

So, ok. Got a coworker that's going to California. She's going to the fruitiest, hippy-like, new age resort center ever in the history of man. I am slightly jealous: mud baths and sing-a-longs and workshops on how my aura is mad at your aura and all that, but honestly. Do Californians realize how dumb they look? I just keep chuckling at some of the seminar names: 'Eriksonian Hypnosis and Gestalt', 'Healing with Humor: Intro to Spine Awareness', 'Sex and Sexability', 'Who's Intuitive? You Are!', and let's not ignore 'Jump for Joy! A Circus Workshop.'

The Center is called Esalen named for the Native Americans that lived there back before the Yogis' ancestors drove them off. So now that the original inhabitants of Big Sur are gone, the wonderful people of Esalen (and I'm sure they are wonderful people) are having a field day with the property. In fact I think they have actual field days where they go out and sit in a field and contemplate their spine or something. Anyways, all of you, wherever you are, take a deep breath and give yourself an Esalen moment. Indulge your inner-hippy. Ahhhh!

Last thought: What the hell is sexability?

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8.02.2006

"I know better now..."

...But when I was a kid, my sister told me that lightning bugs kept lightbulbs lit and when the bulbs went out it was because the bug had died. She had me feeling bad for lightbulbs for over two years.

Found a lovely website with countless similar stories from people all over the world. you can browse and read or add your own. Here's a couple of my faves:

"I used to believe that once you got out of Pre-school you instantly went to work and worked in the same profession as your father. On the day we had a little pre-school graduation thing I went up to my father and started crying telling him I was a failure and would have to be homeless because I didn't know how to be an accountant." ~Nick

"When I was about 4 years old I thought it was such an amazing coincidence that all singers could actually sing." ~Andrea

"When I was younger I used to believe that the sparkly sidewalks, instead of having something added to the concrete to make them sparkly, was actually millions of tiny ant paparazzi. I would hide my face as I walked over it." ~Jason

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Spamitect

Junk emails are rendered into art. Reminds me of that time some guy glued AOL CD's to a car. Of course, then he smashed the car to bits, but still, spam meets art. Great idea.

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8.01.2006

Groups Nobody Likes

Just on a whim to see what Google thinks I researched "Groups nobody likes." Here's what I found. Nobody likes:

Fibbers
Freeloaders
Vegetarians
Bullies
Conservatives
Tourists
Born Again Christians
RAF Police Military Crew
Ignorant Hillblillies with Weapons
Sunburn Slappers
and Newcomers

Other things (or people) that Nobody likes:

Onions
Alarm clocks
Missing Album Art
Monopolies
Flies
Beheadings
Gore's Pet Car Project
One Employee
A Burnt Elvis
Change
America
Paying Taxes
Higher Gas Prices
Long Wars
Pain
Giving Up Power
Noobs
Cookies
Spam
Martha Stewart
Shitty Behavior
Being Attacked
Nietzsche
Lazy People
Hangovers
Censorship
A Rat
and Jennifer Lopez

I suppose if you thought of something you didn't like we could add it to the list...

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Words of Wisdom from WalMart

WalMart has almost every product and material good known to man. And now, apparently, they even have... advice.
Before a recent camping trip, I went shopping at WalMart and looked for, among other things, a tent. Not having the one I wanted and on the advice of my boyfriend to leave it till he could find the right one, I left the camping aisle to depart the store. No sooner had I turned the corner from camping gear to car parts then a booming voice behind me called out in pleasant tones, "Can I help you, Young Lady?" I turned to see a familiar face. Jim, the tall black gentleman with the perfect smile, white rimmed pupils and salt and pepper hair, was striding up to me.
"Oh, hello!" I said, "I remember you from the last time I was here!" "And I remember you," came the commanding response, "How can I help you today?" "Well, Jim, I came looking for a tent, but you've run out of the model I want so my boyfriend is going to a different store for it later." "We could look if you like!" "No, thanks, Jim. I'll let the man handle it." "Now you have to be careful about that!" "About what?" "About the Y-chromosome you pick." (I'd never heard a man referred to as a Y-chromosome before) "Right," I said, "because if you pick the right Y-chromosome he'll pick the right tent!" "No. You got to, every now and again, when he makes a decision, stop him and say, 'Ok, but let's whirl this around for a minute: why don't we make this a joint decision?' and see what he says." "Oh," I said, even though I had no idea what he was talking about, "You mean so he doesn't get too bossy?" "So he doesn't take it for granted that you have an equal voice in the relationship. Every now and again you have to remind him." A woman in culottes rolled her cart by us with a smile. Jim was leaning, elbow propped on a pile of blue coolers, his radio quality voice broadcasting every word in decibels well above conversation tone. "And you also have to remind him if he ever forgets what it was that drew you to him in the first place. Do you remember what that was?" "Well," I stammered, "It was several things actually..." "And you have to say, 'Honey, you know what I love about you? What you're not doing right now!' Because if he stops doing what attracted you to him, the romance is dead." "I nodded sagely and looked at the big black guy standing by tire inflaters. He wasn't looking at me. "But remember," added Jim, "the same holds true for you!" "Yes, I suppose so." I sighed and smiled wondering when my lecture would be done and wishing I'd brought a notebook to write it all down. But before I had time to regret, Jim was off again with more pearls of wisdom, "And don't forget to remind your man every chance you get that he is your favorite Y-chromosome. Your dad's just gonna have to understand that there are things you are gonna do with your boyfriend that you don't want to do with anyone else!" I probably blushed and tried very hard not to laugh out loud. "My father has been most supportive, Jim. I don't think he needs lining up!" "No, but he needs to know who you'd rather be with." I sighed, shifted uncomfortably and kindly extracted myself from the sermon, which showed no signs of stopping even though two ladies with carts were standing awkwardly behind Jim awaiting his help with their shopping. "I'd better let you help these women," I said brightly. "Oh, OK. Good to see you again!" Here Jim gave me a high-five then he pointed to me as I walked away, 'It's like seeing one of my granddaughters!" I laughed (because I'm so pasty white and would look rather funny in his family portraits) and waved and left the store.

When I told my boyfriend about Jim, (on our way camping with the tent we both had agreed on) he had the following to say, "I don't like him. Don't go back there." "No?" I said, "why not?" "Because," replied the BF, "I don't like being called 'the Y-chromosome.' "
Well, who would? Almost as bad as being called 'you females.'

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