Toothcapades

I picked the place out of a hat. Well, I might as well have. It was the dentist office nearest to my house as close as I could figure and their tagline was something like 'we cater to cowards' or whatever. Not that I care about that. I'm not afraid of dentists, or drills, or needles. I don't really care. I just want to walk away looking the same or better than I did walking in.

I had an early appointment. I parked and ran inside the converted house/office. The woman at the front desk told me to move my car. I did. When I came back she was gone and I stood at the front desk as the doctors filed in with the casual disdain adopted by most doctors. I had a good feeling already.

The woman returned and passed me the usual clipboard which says I give them permission to use my records if a natural disaster hits the area or if I'm mauled badly in a horrible life altering accident or something to that affect. On the patient form it asked, "What would you like us to know about you?" To which I responded, "I would like to keep my teeth for awhile longer." Then it asked, "What do you think is an important trait in a dentist?" I said, "Not assuming my mouth is their property."

I was taken to a waiting room to get my x-rays. The assistant proceeded take the wrong ones. I sat looking at the round mirror on the ceiling thinking, 'That surely puts my mind at ease.'

After the x-rays they shuffled me off to another barely partitioned area. As I sat on the reclining chair I remembered for a moment that the electric chair was invented by a dentist. Then I saw the sign posted in big red letters just outside the window:

Again, not really helping to create a sense of ease or calm. The assistant came running in and out asking if I was sure which of my teeth it was that was causing problems. I kept my headphones on so I could better ignore her. Much hubbub later she realized she was looking at the wrong tooth and finally my prognosis was handed down: I had a dying nerve. My tooth was going to be dead. According to them, quite soon. I tried to take in this information. They rushed me back to the woman at the front desk. Up to this point I had failed to realize how much she looked like a women's volleyball coach.

"We here at (name withheld) Dental believe in creating a relationship with our patients." She began, "We believe in earning trust..." I looked off into the room full of people who were about to hear my ailment, my financial situation and future tooth plans and wondered where this trust was supposed to be coming from. "Now here's what's going to happen: We need to schedule a root canal. After that we'll put a crown on the tooth. Now since you don't have insurance we can try to work out a payment plan..."

I interrupted, "I'm sorry, could you explain what a root canal is?"

She looked a little disgusted and said, "I'll explain everything in just a moment." She rolled her chair towards me and between my legs. "I'm going to show you something." She hoisted her muscular body over me and opening her mouth she inserted her finger into her gaping maw and said, "Shee ziss? Ahn ziss?" She closed her mouth again, "Those are all crowns. I never floss. I'm terrible role model I know, but I got all that work done here. We only use precious metals. We believe in the highest quality work."

I cast an eye towards the waiting room full of patients watching this eerie spectacle. One woman looked up and gave me a faint pitying smile. I sighed. The walrus with the french braid was still going on about procedure and protocols. I cut to the chase.

"How long can I expect this thing last?"

She smiled all-knowingly. "Some of the crowns I have in my mouth I got 'em 25 years ago."

I didn't bother asking about the rest of them. I shelled out the cash and left.

Later that day I returned and picked up my x-rays (much to the receptionist's dismay). I have since made an appointment with someone else. One who knows what he is doing. Thank God for second opinions!

I won't be going back to the dental shop of the devil, but if you want to know of a great dentist in Cleveland then just ask me. I do know the man for the job.