A Letter Written To My Fantom Bagless Cyclonic Hand Vac FM430

Dear Fantom,

I wish I could express my gratitude for what you have done. I thought when I brought you home from Wal-Mart that we were just going to do a little brushing up around the place; sweeping up some excess dust and crumbs, etc., but you exceeded my expectations and I just want to thank you. Your selfless sacrifice for the cause of my carpets warms my heart.

When I turned you on, all five and a half pounds of your suctiony goodness roared to life. (Why they call you the Fantom, I don't know. If a ghost was as loud as you it would be laughed out of the afterlife.) The way you dominated the dust and hair on my rugs sent a shiver down my spine. Your bagless dirt trap filled up to capacity almost immediately. (It had been a few months since my carpets were properly cleaned.) What a cyclone you were! It was a lot to ask of you on your first time. I realize that now. In retrospect, maybe we should have taken it slower.

It was my first time, too. I've never had any kind of vacuum cleaner before. Well, except that wet/dry vac, but we never did actual carpets together.

Needless to say, I'm sorry I broke you. I didn't realize the pain you were in until your motor changed pitch and smoke started pouring out of your casing. (Oddly enough, my blender did the same thing when I first used it.)

I'll be returning you to WalMart tomorrow, to have you replaced by a similar hand vac (Thank goodness for that $5 warrantee plan!), but I want you to know that what we shared - though brief - was very special. Even though my long, luxuriant hair strangled our chances for a lasting relationship, I hope you know how much I'll always love you. And when I'm using the next Fantom Bagless Cyclonic Hand Vac FM430 I'll be thinking of you.

Yours always,

Labels: , ,


Blogger honest + popular said...

Stop strangling them. It's not nice. Especially when they're willing to do your carpets.

Wow. Delete me. Or what hath God wrought? Or something similar.

19/5/05 10:38  
Blogger dag said...

That was a very touching letter.

19/5/05 17:44  
Blogger Temple said...

Dang, I should have written this letter to my computer. Maybe it would behave now. Ooh, do you think it heard me? I wish I could remember things. I'd remember to read you more. :)

19/5/05 21:53  
Blogger Lukas Abrhm said...

touching...but you should have mentioned to yr vaccuum that you supported the WTO in buying it, and starved hundreds of chinese;) think aboot it.

22/5/05 20:05  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Web Counters