8.01.2006

Words of Wisdom from WalMart

WalMart has almost every product and material good known to man. And now, apparently, they even have... advice.
Before a recent camping trip, I went shopping at WalMart and looked for, among other things, a tent. Not having the one I wanted and on the advice of my boyfriend to leave it till he could find the right one, I left the camping aisle to depart the store. No sooner had I turned the corner from camping gear to car parts then a booming voice behind me called out in pleasant tones, "Can I help you, Young Lady?" I turned to see a familiar face. Jim, the tall black gentleman with the perfect smile, white rimmed pupils and salt and pepper hair, was striding up to me.
"Oh, hello!" I said, "I remember you from the last time I was here!" "And I remember you," came the commanding response, "How can I help you today?" "Well, Jim, I came looking for a tent, but you've run out of the model I want so my boyfriend is going to a different store for it later." "We could look if you like!" "No, thanks, Jim. I'll let the man handle it." "Now you have to be careful about that!" "About what?" "About the Y-chromosome you pick." (I'd never heard a man referred to as a Y-chromosome before) "Right," I said, "because if you pick the right Y-chromosome he'll pick the right tent!" "No. You got to, every now and again, when he makes a decision, stop him and say, 'Ok, but let's whirl this around for a minute: why don't we make this a joint decision?' and see what he says." "Oh," I said, even though I had no idea what he was talking about, "You mean so he doesn't get too bossy?" "So he doesn't take it for granted that you have an equal voice in the relationship. Every now and again you have to remind him." A woman in culottes rolled her cart by us with a smile. Jim was leaning, elbow propped on a pile of blue coolers, his radio quality voice broadcasting every word in decibels well above conversation tone. "And you also have to remind him if he ever forgets what it was that drew you to him in the first place. Do you remember what that was?" "Well," I stammered, "It was several things actually..." "And you have to say, 'Honey, you know what I love about you? What you're not doing right now!' Because if he stops doing what attracted you to him, the romance is dead." "I nodded sagely and looked at the big black guy standing by tire inflaters. He wasn't looking at me. "But remember," added Jim, "the same holds true for you!" "Yes, I suppose so." I sighed and smiled wondering when my lecture would be done and wishing I'd brought a notebook to write it all down. But before I had time to regret, Jim was off again with more pearls of wisdom, "And don't forget to remind your man every chance you get that he is your favorite Y-chromosome. Your dad's just gonna have to understand that there are things you are gonna do with your boyfriend that you don't want to do with anyone else!" I probably blushed and tried very hard not to laugh out loud. "My father has been most supportive, Jim. I don't think he needs lining up!" "No, but he needs to know who you'd rather be with." I sighed, shifted uncomfortably and kindly extracted myself from the sermon, which showed no signs of stopping even though two ladies with carts were standing awkwardly behind Jim awaiting his help with their shopping. "I'd better let you help these women," I said brightly. "Oh, OK. Good to see you again!" Here Jim gave me a high-five then he pointed to me as I walked away, 'It's like seeing one of my granddaughters!" I laughed (because I'm so pasty white and would look rather funny in his family portraits) and waved and left the store.

When I told my boyfriend about Jim, (on our way camping with the tent we both had agreed on) he had the following to say, "I don't like him. Don't go back there." "No?" I said, "why not?" "Because," replied the BF, "I don't like being called 'the Y-chromosome.' "
Well, who would? Almost as bad as being called 'you females.'

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3 Comments:

Blogger Worldgineer said...

Sounds like someone's excited to share what he's learned while bored in the self-help section of the book department.

1/8/06 13:34  
Blogger Tara said...

After he was finished with the Dr. Phil lecture, did you remember what you had gone in there for in the first place? Jeepers!

After you left, he had to give out more advice to those other ladies. I wonder what he charges.

1/8/06 13:52  
Blogger honestus said...

i'm gonna visit Jim to see what he says about the 'x' chromosomes... just for fun.

3/8/06 08:59  

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