12.09.2004

Condom Day

Condom Day is a new phenomenon here at the school. I promise not to be here the next time it rolls around. It began with a lecture by four sexperts on Aids/HIV. The students listened attentively (almost) until the sexperts were done talking and then a swarm of nineteen year old boys descended on them with hands outstretched. You would have thought this was a food drive in a third world country. They crowded around like carrion birds and then flashed fistfuls of scented/flavored rubbers through the air. The sexperts left, but the barrage of rubber deficient boys did not. One after the other they charged into my office, testosterone raging. "Where's the condoms?" "How should I know? I don't have any condoms." Then the woman left in charge of the condoms came out and decried the behavior of one boy who took all the condoms she had left even though she asked him not to. "He just kept taking more and more condoms!" The barrage continued late into the afternoon. People who couldn't be bothered to come to the sex talk were traipsing in four hours later saying, "Where are the condoms?" and looking at me like they'd just asked for salt or something. "And hello to you, too," I'd say, which of course they didn't get. "Where'd Miss B go? I need some condoms." "She's gone. The condoms are gone. Get out of my office." "I need condoms, Sarah." "Get out of my office right now."
Somewhere near three o'clock it broke me.
In walks Carone, "Sarah, how come you didn't save me any condoms?"
I swivel in my chair and fix my gaze on the unfortunate young man who has thrown the last straw on the camel's back. "I have nothing for you. Get out."
"Didn't you save me some condoms?" He obviously didn't get it.
"Carone, please get the fuck out of my office." I'm still trying to rein it in.
"Come on, man."
And then I lost it, "THERE ARE NO CONDOMS, CARONE. YOU WALK IN MY OFFICE AND ALL YOU CAN SAY TO ME IS 'GIMME SOMETHING TO PUT ON MY DICK!' I GOT NOTHING FOR YOUR DICK, CARONE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR DICK. I DON'T CARE WHAT IT WEARS OR DOESN'T WEAR. WHAT IT DOES OR DOES NOT DO. YOUR DICK AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! THERE ARE NO CONDOMS!!"
He stared at me listlessly for a second or two and then left.

I'm gonna have to apologize for that later.

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3 Comments:

Blogger John McAdams said...

hahaha! whee! haha! potty mouth in all caps. love the shoes, love the bag, love you.

you really should apologize. he's just misled.

oh, and Kyrad is right behind me wanting to know if you have any, ahem, well...

9/12/04 16:39  
Blogger Worldgineer said...

Ha! Poor lost Carone. Shall we place bets on the number of condom-balloons you see on your way home? My guess is 30.

9/12/04 16:42  
Blogger rbl said...

Wonderful rant! Amazing! Reflecting back on when I was 19 I could not possibly have had any use for a large quantity of condoms....perhaps youth of today are more successful. Obviously the stigma around having to buy them or ask for them has disappeared.

10/12/04 11:00  

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