1.11.2007

Tales of a Clevelander

This list is an old joke list. I've heard it before, but there is something head-shake worthy about some of the surprisingly delightful retardations of being a Clevelander. So I give them to you (some favesd highlighted). True Cleveland Dwellers will more readily understand...

It's only soda if it's orange soda, otherwise it's pop. It's dinner, not supper. If you get the head nod, you know you are part of the crew. If you are white and act like a thug be prepared to run. We are home to Bone Thugs and Harmony. We are home to The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, and Red Right 88. We are the reason stadiums don't have glass bottles. You laugh when someone tells you Lake Erie isn't polluted. You are used to the dead fish smell after it rains. People are trained to talk on television like us. Buffalo Wild Wings is aka BW3. The Dawg Pound is heaven. We know the Browns suck, the Indians sorta suck, and we haven't won a championship in over 40 years. But we've got LeBron so we don't care. Lake effect snow is a given. Our river caught on fire not once, but 3 times. You believe the Second Coming meant the Browns returning in 1999. You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood. You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath. You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry and you support it, but don't quite understand it. You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga. You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart. You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the 200 yard long stretch of a suburb named Linndale. You have no idea how exactly to get to the Flats, you just kind of end up on a bank and start partying. St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and even if you aren't Irish. You hear there are always famous people in town, but you have never seen one. You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away. You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City. You know Tower City isn't a city at all. You're still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super Bowl. You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999, when the Browns came back. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You live less than 30 minutes from some college or university. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones. Toward the lake means north, and toward the river means south. You measure distance in minutes. You've had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: Where's my coat at? You carry jumper cables in your car. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Tara said...

I feel proud reading all of these. Is that another sign of a Clevelander?

Also love the last bit about designing Halloween costumes to fit over snowsuits.

12/1/07 11:43  
Anonymous uncle jim said...

...and as a former interloper into the ways of living single in THE city, I believe I have some ownership in understanding this list of membership requirements - I wonder if watching the river burn in Cleveland made me feel anything like the Romans felt when their city burned - or when Mrs. Leary's cow started the 'toast of the town' segment in Chicago [another city with a big lake and a dirty river and starts with a "C"] - at least duh bears are winning these days - and the "L" beats the Rapid any day ... oh, I remember the days I spent there at St Pat's on Rocky River at Puritas [I think] as a single guy - but so much for ancient history ... thanks for the memories of the west-side market, and hough, and Zayre Discount Dept Stores, and old Route 8, and Granger Hill, and ...

12/1/07 19:24  
Anonymous lostdog said...

Wow. I actually found myself ducking involuntarily as that entire block of text just whooshed over my head. I suppose that means I'm not a Cleavelander.

Should I say that out loud or something? It's now circling me like a vulture, and I want to ward it off.

12/1/07 19:41  
Blogger k_sra said...

You are not alone Lostdog. Truly only Clevelanders "get" Cleveland. I am shocked and appalled to be one such. I have loved to hate Cleveland almost as long as I have lived here. And yet, it is home. *sigh*

sczbmnma: the verification the internet fairies give you when you complain about Cleveland

16/1/07 10:08  

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