Tales of a Clevelander

This list is an old joke list. I've heard it before, but there is something head-shake worthy about some of the surprisingly delightful retardations of being a Clevelander. So I give them to you (some favesd highlighted). True Cleveland Dwellers will more readily understand...

It's only soda if it's orange soda, otherwise it's pop. It's dinner, not supper. If you get the head nod, you know you are part of the crew. If you are white and act like a thug be prepared to run. We are home to Bone Thugs and Harmony. We are home to The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, and Red Right 88. We are the reason stadiums don't have glass bottles. You laugh when someone tells you Lake Erie isn't polluted. You are used to the dead fish smell after it rains. People are trained to talk on television like us. Buffalo Wild Wings is aka BW3. The Dawg Pound is heaven. We know the Browns suck, the Indians sorta suck, and we haven't won a championship in over 40 years. But we've got LeBron so we don't care. Lake effect snow is a given. Our river caught on fire not once, but 3 times. You believe the Second Coming meant the Browns returning in 1999. You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood. You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath. You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry and you support it, but don't quite understand it. You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga. You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart. You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the 200 yard long stretch of a suburb named Linndale. You have no idea how exactly to get to the Flats, you just kind of end up on a bank and start partying. St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and even if you aren't Irish. You hear there are always famous people in town, but you have never seen one. You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away. You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City. You know Tower City isn't a city at all. You're still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super Bowl. You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999, when the Browns came back. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You live less than 30 minutes from some college or university. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones. Toward the lake means north, and toward the river means south. You measure distance in minutes. You've had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: Where's my coat at? You carry jumper cables in your car. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.