Don't Belong
Ever feel like you don't belong? My strongest sens of dis-belonging (not actually a word) comes from times when I have no clue what other people think of me. This is owing to two facts: Fact 1) I am empathetic, which means I can tell how other people feel, so if I can't tap into that for some reason, I am at a loss. It's like flying without instruments. Fact 2) In sterotypical fashion, I am a woman who is socially aware of how she is perceived.
How about you, when and where have you most felt un-belonged in? (not a sentence)
Labels: interactive, journal
posted by k_sra at 7/19/2007 10:20:00 AM
4 Comments:
In general, I only feel like I don't fit in when 1) people treat me like I'm not part of their group, and 2) I care. These two rarely coincide, and never for very long (as I either change #2 or wander off).
The strongest outsider example I can think of is when I crashed a study group in college. I overheard two seperate conversations about a study group, and I figured that it would be large enough for me to crash it without drawing attention to myself (I didn't know anybody in the class and was somewhat shy back then). When I showed up it was only the 4 people I heard talking - and they were all good friends. It was about as awkward as you can imagine a situation being, but I think everyone assumed one of the other 3 invited me and things eventually started rolling. A year later I was still studying with the same group, and don't regret diving in for a second.
-World
(I just realized my story and my parenthetical statement don't match. I forgot to list the other possibility - that people change #1. That's really the best option, but the only one outside of my control.)
-World
I'm back! Yes, I'm back in the U.S.
The most insecure I have felt was....Um...everywhere. No, actually at a singles event with my nervous cat. I felt quite vulnerable.
I tend to feel most insecure in bars. I don't drink alcohol and the only women there are, generally, hardcore drinkers that don't interest me. I'm not into the "macho bullshite banter" and the flexing and strutting.
My worst time was when some friends "felt sorry" for me and took me to a singles bar for New Year's Eve. I was the only sober one there.
It was interesting to see the "pretty people" hook up early and then leave. By midnight, it was getting a little desperate for the few remaining. By 2 A.M. is was the most dismal group of losers you have ever seen. They all hooked up, but I always had the impression that each was sadly thinking to themselves, "I know that I could do better than this".
The oddest event of the evening when a woman (a total stranger) came up to me...said, "Gawd, you smell so good" and jammed her tongue down my throat. She asked me if I wanted to leave with her. I kind of mumbled, "Uhmm...no thank you". she wrote her phone number on my hand and walked away. Not more than 3 minutes later, she left with some other guy who was busy playing groppie feelie with her.
Oh, that's not the end of the story...
2 days later I was working in the E.R. and the police brought in that same young lady as a "clear for custody" for cocaine intoxication and possession. I asked her if she remembered me. She didn't remember me, or that night. As you can see, I don't fit. If I don't fit, I feel uncomfortable and out of place.
Your results may vary.
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