11.28.2007

Wedding Gowns from Hell

Being that I am looking into the forthcoming nuptials of my sweetheart and myself, I've ravaged the internet for images of wedding dresses of every size, color and description. One thing that is really starting to come home to me in a whole new way as never before is that wedding dresses are boring. That's right, I said it: boring. Currently, women in my country are wearing a bland a-line strapless number and clutching the same damn clump of roses. Let the tears of my boredom begin. Which is why I have to take a break from the freakishly repetitive and delve into some horrific wedding gowns just to take the edge off. I thought I would share some of this eye-poison with you all. Enjoy!


This first gown, features the mother-in-law's dream of where her new thorn-in-the-flesh can place her bouquet. I think the look on the model's face pretty much sums up that gown.


And next we have this boudoir-meets-Britney-Spears number. I'm not sure what's going on here, but her hair is trying admirably to detract from the massive exposure her thighs are undergoing. She has a well and truly hideous Amywinehouseesque hairdo to compliment her cheap, satin-flower bouquet. What's most terrifying about this spiderweb minidress is that it was designed by a company that is still in business. And that just makes no sense at all! If anything this dress is screaming "Take me to Vegas, I'm three months pregnant, only fifteen, and have the fashion sense of a d-list actress!

Someone, please explain to me why it is that heavy brides gravitate to the most unbecoming dresses imaginable? This woman evidently thought she was going to have a period wedding, little knowing that women of the period in questions were not given to corpulence. Don't get me wrong, I think a heavier woman can look damn good in her wedding dress and bowl her man off his feet, just not in this dress. It looks like someone poured frosting over her... gallons and gallons of it. Not one piece of this dress is actually tailored to her body. The most insulting thing about this picture is that she had her groom hold the flowers so that we could really see her custom-made monstrosity! If that woman has a maid of honor, the girl should be strangled.

I hope you can enjoy this next picture as much as I did. First of all, it took me several seconds to locate the bride's face above the orgasmic explosion that is her "sleeves." Then I doubted that was her face and thought we were looking at her back, but no, there were two tiny, scared eyes looking out from under her bouffant back at me. Only after another minute did I then see the tuft beside her. Which apparently, is her equally unfortunate flower girl. Or perhaps that is an illegitimate child which she isn't quite ready to present to the groom, so she has cleverly disguised the child as an extension of her bridal confusion.

I swear she's hiding an aerobed under that dress!

This last one actually won an award from Guinness World Book of Records for being the heaviest wedding gown on record. 25 stone. Which translates for us Americaners as roughly 350 pounds of drama. She's sixteen, which may account for some of it. She has something like 30,000 crystals covering the dress, dozens of metal hoops to hold the structure up (three of which she had to remove to get through the church doors) and ten (yes ten) wedding guests were required to assist her up the aisle. Talk about a graceful entrance!

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2 Comments:

Anonymous lostdog said...

Wow. That last one's particularly hideous. Did she accidentally set of the safety airbags in the dress or something?

2/12/07 15:44  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks for putting this page together its sooo funny. I needed a break from looking at wedding gowns and found your web site its great. thank you for posting this. Patti

20/1/09 11:58  

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