INVITE ME!!!

Weddings. Ya can't get married without 'em!

Even though I am joyfully excited to be taking the leap this July, I am also more than a little overwhelmed. Life has become a series of lists; what I have accomplished and what I have yet to accomplish. There is a never ending list of details to attend to. And I do mean NEVER-ENDING! I have my dress and the bridesmaids' pretty much squared away and Raymond has all but finished the big stuff: church, hall, minister(s), band. Now we have the barrel of invitations, decorations, flowers, photographer, dinner menu, cake design, flowergirl's dress, groomsmen atttire, transportation, registry, honeymoon, hotels, rehearsals, parties, and showers to stare down. I think I missed a few. But that's about how it goes.

Invitations turn out to be a huge pain! (those of you already married, try to act shocked.) For instance, we have a list that is 193 invites deep. Those invites each represent at least two people. So, we're talking 400 people we would invite if we could. Our reception hall only seats 260 including the bridal party, so obviously we will need to separate people we would like to invite, but probably shouldn't until we have some regrets from the family and intimate friends list. How are you to do that? I'm calling this stage "Toe-Stepping." I've had one woman so far who sidled up to me, introduced herself as a friend of my fiance's family and demanded an invite. Sadly, she's on the B-list.

Envelopes. Do you know how to properly address an envelope? To a married couple? To a same-sex couple? To a live-in couple or amrriage partners who didn't take the same last name? Including children or not? It's all etiquette. I hate etiquette, but you can't address wedding invites without it. So now I know the "proper" answers to all these questions. (I'll tell you later if you really want to know.)

It's enough to give a girl a fit. I see now why we have videos on youtube of women chopping off their hair (actually staged, but we can relate), shrieking in rage, fainting, and generally acting insane on or near the day of their wedding. It can be a lot to handle. I've decided that I want to enjoy the heck out of my wedding planning and my wedding. One thing I don't want happening is to get to the day and be so concerned with details that I miss out on just looking my darling in the eyes and appreciating the man I am (hopefully) going to spend the rest of my life with. So, even if I have to give myself a proverbial lobotomy the day before the wedding, I am determined to let it all go and enjoy every loud and boisterous - as well as tender and private - moment of this day.

But in the meantime, I have some invitations to address...

Wedding Gowns from Hell

Being that I am looking into the forthcoming nuptials of my sweetheart and myself, I've ravaged the internet for images of wedding dresses of every size, color and description. One thing that is really starting to come home to me in a whole new way as never before is that wedding dresses are boring. That's right, I said it: boring. Currently, women in my country are wearing a bland a-line strapless number and clutching the same damn clump of roses. Let the tears of my boredom begin. Which is why I have to take a break from the freakishly repetitive and delve into some horrific wedding gowns just to take the edge off. I thought I would share some of this eye-poison with you all. Enjoy!

This first gown, features the mother-in-law's dream of where her new thorn-in-the-flesh can place her bouquet. I think the look on the model's face pretty much sums up that gown.

And next we have this boudoir-meets-Britney-Spears number. I'm not sure what's going on here, but her hair is trying admirably to detract from the massive exposure her thighs are undergoing. She has a well and truly hideous Amywinehouseesque hairdo to compliment her cheap, satin-flower bouquet. What's most terrifying about this spiderweb minidress is that it was designed by a company that is still in business. And that just makes no sense at all! If anything this dress is screaming "Take me to Vegas, I'm three months pregnant, only fifteen, and have the fashion sense of a d-list actress!

Someone, please explain to me why it is that heavy brides gravitate to the most unbecoming dresses imaginable? This woman evidently thought she was going to have a period wedding, little knowing that women of the period in questions were not given to corpulence. Don't get me wrong, I think a heavier woman can look damn good in her wedding dress and bowl her man off his feet, just not in this dress. It looks like someone poured frosting over her... gallons and gallons of it. Not one piece of this dress is actually tailored to her body. The most insulting thing about this picture is that she had her groom hold the flowers so that we could really see her custom-made monstrosity! If that woman has a maid of honor, the girl should be strangled.

I hope you can enjoy this next picture as much as I did. First of all, it took me several seconds to locate the bride's face above the orgasmic explosion that is her "sleeves." Then I doubted that was her face and thought we were looking at her back, but no, there were two tiny, scared eyes looking out from under her bouffant back at me. Only after another minute did I then see the tuft beside her. Which apparently, is her equally unfortunate flower girl. Or perhaps that is an illegitimate child which she isn't quite ready to present to the groom, so she has cleverly disguised the child as an extension of her bridal confusion.

I swear she's hiding an aerobed under that dress!

This last one actually won an award from Guinness World Book of Records for being the heaviest wedding gown on record. 25 stone. Which translates for us Americaners as roughly 350 pounds of drama. She's sixteen, which may account for some of it. She has something like 30,000 crystals covering the dress, dozens of metal hoops to hold the structure up (three of which she had to remove to get through the church doors) and ten (yes ten) wedding guests were required to assist her up the aisle. Talk about a graceful entrance!

I'm Engaged!

This is one happy girl writing. Raymond proposed on our vacation to Sacramento, Napa Valley and Lake Tahoe. (well, technically, he just proposed in Tahoe, but you know what I mean). The ring pictured above. We plan to marry within the year, but we have yet to figure out how and when! Weddings are crazy expensive. Who knew? I'm a Justice of the Peace kind of girl, myself. I guess we'll see!