An Old Baseball Gag

Saw the Indians play (badly) last night with my boyfriend and other friends. We lost the game, but this clip is still funny. Have a great Monday morning.

Raptor Wrap-Up

Jeff (aka Afroassault) took up the gauntlet of the friendly dinosaur post and sent me this lovely photoshop:

Don't be shy now, all you artistes out there, go ahead and send me your version of how the story ends!

To be posted here.

Here's AO's shot (WARNING: language not suitable for my nephews):

Steve DeGroof with the brain eating raptor:

Dinosaur Loveables

Hello Friend,
My name is Victor the Velociraptor. I am your buddy! If you don't believe me, check out this children's book I recently had published:

And remember, little Lunchable Friend... I mean, Lovable Friend, Stegosaurus', Pterodactyls, and T-rex's are Buddies, too!

Ceci n'est pas une Audioblog

I tried to record a message to Audioblogger and succeeded. Smugly, I hung up. And didn't hit the send button.

Here it is:

What word shares only one letter with its plural?

AND

What does brunneous mean?

Better Baby Bottle Builder

Fascinated by this baby bottle that apparently keeps air out of the baby's tummy. Unlike most others. Dr. Brown's are a swear-by from people who use them. Their babies don't spit up all over everything.

Of course, they're also a pain to clean!

Ice Man Gameth

For the defeated corporate clone in all of us.
(thanks, po)

Conversations with my Boyfriend

Boyfriend: Do non-Catholics cross themselves?
Me: No. I don't think so.
Boyfriend: Why not?
Me: Well, in order to answer that question we'd have to know why Catholics do cross themselves. Do you know why Catholics do cross themselves?
Boyfriend: No.
Me: Well, when we know why Catholics cross themselves we might be able to figure out why non-Catholics don't... maybe.

Question of the day: Why do Catholics cross themselves (make the sign of the cross)?

Yes. But are you really sorry?

I received an apology today. From a coworker. It was quite unlike any apology I have ever received. I hope never to receive another such in my life. This kindly middle-aged man with a penchant for accents and a quirky dietary outlook has become someone I really enjoy seeing on a daily basis at the workplace. As quickly as I have become one of his favorite people he has become one of mine. We both burst into song at the slightest provocation and I rarely have to wait more than fifteen minutes before being entertained with yet another harrowing tale of his exploits with the mentally insane in the immigration business. I am endlessly amused.

Today, after the other office member stepped out to lunch, he approached my desk and sat on it. "I need to talk to you," he confided. My guard was up instantly.
"OK."
"I wanted to apologize for my rude behavior last week regarding [boring project with early deadline]. I realized later that my reaction to your request for help was entirely inappropriate."
"Oh, that's ok, I understand..."
"No! I am really sorry. In fact I was talking it over with my wife because I couldn't get it out of my head what I had done."
I tried to smile with the appropriate mix of solemnity and saintly forgiveness, but the man carried on with his confession. "...and my wife said, and I agree, that I owe it to you to apologize correctly." and with this he stood to his full 6'2" frame. "May I apologize to you correctly?"
I was aghast. I wasn't sure what he meant by the word 'correctly.' It seemed to me that we'd already had a discussion of appropriate length on the matter and further self-abnegation was futile and awkward.
"Sure," I stumbled on the word.
"My wife and I were both raised to apologize the same way."
"Ok." I was completely lost.
"I need you to stand in order to do it correctly."
After a deafening pause I jerked to my feet with no little amazement and a great deal of fearfulness.
And then - I kid you not - and then, this grown man knelt in front of me. My eyes opened wide as fax sheets. I was stunned.
He began his litany in the voice of a shamed child, "My behavior to you was despicable and completely indefensible." My eyes could not shut more than 4 inches in diameter. I was riveted by fear and a vastly awkward amusement. He continued, "Would you do me the honor of accepting my apology?"
I had already murmured more than one, "I accept your apology" and a half dozen "I forgive you's", but the man was unrelenting. I kept an anxious eye on the door. This was a business office. People walked in all the time without warning. I blurted out, "I accept your apology." The man was obviously not going to let me get out of this torture anymore than he would himself.
"And now," he said, and my guts shriveled up inside me wondering exactly what traumatic sentence 'and now' could precede in a situation like this, "might I humbly and most fervently beg your forgiveness?" I stared blankly at the man. "I thought you just apologized!" "The two are very different matters," he stated calmly from the floor looking up into my face. At this point it was too much and I fought back a laugh as I said in as measured tones as possible, "I forgive you." To which he took both my hands in his, bent his head toward them, and touched them to his forhead. "I most humbly thank you." I thought, 'O dear God, when will it end?' To my relief he did stand and I scrambled back into my chair as we tried to resume small-talk and I felt like I had been through the equivalent of a colonoscopy at the supermarket.

What man does that? Was that a ruse? Was he just being dramatic? Or does his upbringing really demand that he undergo that excruciating (for the receiver of the apology at least) tortured ritual? In my world a man only kneels before a woman when he is professing intent to marry and sometimes not even then! I ran to the bathroom to collect myself and eventually burst into full gale laughter at the stupidity of the situation. When I returned to the office I asked him, "Do you apologize to everyone like that?" "No," he said, "only when I think it is deserved." So, I deserved it.

I sincerely hope I never deserve it again!

Dance!

Fun At Wal-Mart

Here's a list of amusing things to do the next time you're at a large, nameless, faceless, megastore:

1. Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watch what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while; then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Rock Paper Scissors Championships

No. really! It's really REAL!!

Hey Kid, we've all been there!

Oh the humanity!
Could be staged, but I definitely think this kid has a future in tech support...

Tax Man Cometh

A little article on US taxes versus the rest of the world.

Kept Woman

This woman's take is pretty good.
(El Fid, get a load of her "Easter Crafts" post! Hilarious!)

King Gnome of Thang

My first proud sponsor and also my brother (by internet adoption).

Phone Bill

And I thought mine was bad!

Eclectic Pysanka

we had a pysanka party.
clic pik.

Where Is Sarah?

Happy Anniversary, Charles and Camilla!

Celebrating one year together as a married couple.
(pictured above: the couple in 1970 when they met.)

P Y S A N K A !

My love for miniature things and my craving for artistry have come together quite beautifully this year just before Easter. I happened to witness a Ukrainian Egg Painting demonstration by a Ukrainian woman named Linda here in the area. (She spends her summers in DisneyWorld painting and selling eggs. Tough life.) I couldn't believe how simple the process was. I had often attempted egg painting and in fact a bowl of hollowed eggs sat on my refrigerator for the better part of a year once as I tried to find time and supplies to sate my thirst for this new hobby. But this year I've done it! Thank God for craft stores! I have purchased kistkas, beeswax, and designs. Now the complex, elaborate, ornate, splendid world of pysankas is within my reach. I can't tell you how excited I am. If you want in on the project, decorate your own egg and tell us about it here at YLSN(a)ED. Here's a step by step approach to the traditional egg. BUT please be advised that it is easier to decorate a full egg than it is to decorate a hollow one. Other tips I learned from the Ukrainian that differ from the process you see on the link: soak in water and baking soda to clean overnight. Hold up to light to look for cracks. Dab on green and blue only where you want it (don't dunk) and then wax designs on the dried daub areas. Use a Blas-Fix after dying and polishing to empty and rinse egg. Make a simple drying rack out of thumbtacks through cardboard. Three tacks are all you need. DON'T EAT THE EGG YOKE AFTER. It should be kind of gross if you did it right.

To help inspire you (view images full size to see detail):