"Like Such As..."

If you haven't reveled in the misguided utterings of the current reigning Miss Teen South Carolina, see the video. The t-shirt above (which tastefully arranged her speech into the shape of the USA, should assist US Americans who have no maps like such as myself in identifying it next time) is available at this site. You'll also want to see their Pageant Geography t-shirt which carefully explains where the US is, South Africa, The Asian countries and as a bonus... the Iraq.

Paul Newman Tops Up Kenyon College

I think this story is rather great, actually. Paul Newman is donating $10 million to his Alma Mater, Kenyon College. Always wanted a Paul Newman of my own* because he managed to stick by his woman all these years (and he's fabulously good looking) and here he is giving back to his former school in no-name Ohio. I think that's pretty stellar of him.

Also, I love his mint chocolate cookies, despite their exorbitant cost. As it says on the package:

You might, m'lady tweak my nose.
You could, m'lord step on my toes.
But Heaven help those poor bozos,
who try to filch my Newman-O's!

Indeed.

*It's OK, I f0und something better : )

Self Improvement: Typing Skills

I am endeavoring to better myself by increasing my skills in typing. See the handy- dandy website where I test my acumen (or lack thereof). The chart you see below is currently occupying a conspicuous place on my desk as I type this so I don't use "incorrect fingering" whilst educating others on the benefits of proper typing. (I'm not going to tell you my averages on the tests, but suffice to say they are fairly low.)

Higher Education Musical

What happens when you have a college class with too much musical ambition and attention deficit disorder? REACH!

Stay off the pot, Doc.

University professors have to relax somehow!

How To Underachieve And Be OK With It

So I get a mass email the other day from a college friend. She talks all about how she was going through photos of our theater days together and wondered where we all were and what we were up to. She then talks about her and her husband and their pursuits and asks us to respond with our current info.

And I think, 'Oh, this is neat! All these people I haven't heard from and now I will.'

And the emails start pouring in: "I'm in LA working as an actress," I'm the Executive Director of a multi-million dollar Reperatory Theater," and my personal favorite, "I'm finishing my MFA in Film Directing at USC and travelling the world on a documentary film project."

All this excitement and success got me thinking; what the hell have I accomplished? What have I actually done since graduation? I think the answer is "jack" and or "squat."

So, in typical blogger fashion I am asking the people who (ironically) know me better than anyone else - that's you, dear reader - to help me out on this one. Have I accomplished anything in the last five years that's worthy of note, because so help me, I can't think of a thing!

I barely earned my keep. I finally got a car. I dated and broke up with my boyfriend. But I have no tangible successes (unless you count that one time I earned third place on a Script Writing competition or my half-written novel that I haven't touched since December).

The only thing I've done worth any merit is establish friends and contacts around the world over the internet. I have yet to actually use any of these contacts, however. I have a Bachelor's degree. I have yet to apply my education though, or for that matter, to seek any further education (and I was voted "Most Likely To Succeed in My Field" by the Faculty of my Department at graduation). God, this is depressing. I'm sorry to make you all suffer, but I have to honestly look at my life for a minute.

Somebody remind me why am I such a wash out? Why do I have nothing to show for myself and why hasn't this bothered me very much? Why am I OK with underachieving? Because , quite honestly, I am. I know I could go to New York and get a Film degree. I know I could fly to LA and hit the Hollywood machine. I know I could pound the pavement for directing gigs in town and carefully craft a resume worthy of the approval of my peers, but do I want to? No. I don't.

So why not?

Prank of the Week

According to this...

I am considered a Poetic Genius. That's hows come I can write real good. : )

(Thanks, Steve.)

Thesis Ridiculous

Please find or create the most elaborate and hopefully ridiculous thesis title possible.

Here's an example:

Modern Day Trout vs. Moby Dick: A Hollistic Fisherman's Paradigm

Other Entries:

"Don't Throw Away That Lamp": A Transcendental Reflection on the Recycling Community of Eastern Timbuktu

I'll Hold It Until We Get Home: The Correlation Between Fuel Consumption and Restroom Cleanliness.

Floccinaucinihilipilification and the Over-reliance on Academic Theses.

"We don't need no stinkin' Thesis Generators!”: A look back at the misuse of the English language

I Was A French Deaf Mute: The Problem Of Language Amnesia And Reincarnation

Bellydancing Psychics: Their role in the formation of a futuristic utopian society

Formal Complaint

A friend of mine received a complaint letter today so he took the opportunity to correct the complaint letter and give it a grade. Part of having a good pity party is inviting your friends!

Will Ferrell's Speech to Harvard Class of 2003

Oh, help! Can't stop laughing.

Here's two more for those who need an extra helping:

Jon Stewart Addresses William & Mary Graduates

Conan O'Brien Speaks to Harvard Class of 2000

College President Steps Down

A happy chorus of "Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead" rang through the halls of a local college in Cleveland today as the news was announced that the long-time President had "stepped down" that morning during an emergency meeting with the board of trustees. Staff members speculate that he was forced out due to the lack of advance notice or a goodbye party with cheesy banners and bad store bought cake. Many have expressed curiosity about how his wife will take the news. The couple were living in a mansion on campus with luxurious amenities including a jacuzzi and a double underground garage. It is rumored that the former President's wife has a chicken and rooster figurine collection numbering in the hundreds. No comment yet on how the figurines will be packed or transported as the couple vacate the campus housing arrangements they acquired two months ago.

This Is How I Remember College, Too

Math Explained

Find Your Classmates Online

High school friends. I have lost contact with them all. All. That's a lot of memories to not share anymore. I mean, you bond with these people over important life events, like slipping and falling on your way up to perform a song, or getting called "the wall" because you had no boobs as a thirteen year old. These are valued memories! And then for some reason you lose contact with these people the minute you turn in that cheap cap and gown. I personally have a quest to find one friend from high school: Tara W. I will find her before I die. Tara was my best friend. Or the closest thing to it. Ten inches shorter and two years older than me. We shared a lack of enthusiasm for tennis. We couldn't hit a tennis ball. No sir. Not if it were strapped to our racket. Then we took volleyball (also inept and we both bruised easily), folk dancing (since when is The Electric Slide a folk dance?), and swimming (so much chlorine you forget the urine!). I actually looked forward to those dumb classes.
And then there was the one slumber party I had my senior year. I was fifteen. Tara, myself and four other girls crowded into the attic and watched dumb movies. Everyone fell asleep during The Blob. Not me. I don't sleep during movies. Ever. So after the film, when I realized I was the only one awake, I quietly turned off the TV and played pranks on all the girls and went to sleep. Happier than I'd ever been.
She and I took voice lessons together. A group lesson where we would giggle and smirk while Jenny Somebody-or-other struggled up to a high A.
We were in Spanish class together. My "Spanish" name was Isobel. Hers was Carmen. Our teacher, Señor Smith, was a lonely bachelor. He always looked particularly sad near holidays.
And then of course there was our graduation where I squatted down to fit into the frame of several pictures taken of us together. I lost track of her after the ceremony since it was a triple graduation for my family: me, my brother and my sister, all freakishly graduating high school the same day despite being at least a year or three apart in age.
I tried hunting Tara down in the last ten years. Without success. She probably lives close by, married, with kids and yet I can't find her. Pretty soon I'll be clicking one of those dumb banner-ads for findyourclassmates.com and have to shell out the twenty bucks or whatever for this stalker site to look her up so I can call her and act like I just found her name in the phone book or through a mutual friend and then a "so, hey, how are things going and would you like to get together for coffee" type conversation will ensue.
Maybe Tara is internet savvy and will stumble across this post today and say, "Hey, I remember all that crap! I know that girl!" and write me a note and save me the twenty dollars. Maybe.