Getting Out

Four words strike terror in every breast here in my place of work. Four words: Human Resources Annual Retreat

The HRAR is an all-day affair that "explores ways to foster new ways of working together, improve communication and create a healthier culture" here at the office.

It's tomorrow. All day.

I've been thinking of ways to get out of it. So far, I've not had much luck. One very clever co-worker had the good foresight to be Jewish, thus ensuring himself a free pass for the high holy days of Rosh Hashanah. He joked, "You'll want to consider converting to Judaism for at least a week this year!" He's off today and tomorrow. Now that $125 ticket to the local temple is starting to look like a bargain.

They're going to make us do "exercises." Otherwise known as "ways to waste an entire day of peoples' existence." They've asked everyone to bring a picture of themselves for an "exploring the self" exercise. I shudder as I write it. (If they ask us to take off our shoes, I will make a beline for the door.) I have no idea what this will entail, but I've printed up a picture of myself that I use for concert fliers and don't mind being passed around to a bunch of co-workers. My boss is planning on enlarging his driver's license picture 200%. I really hope somebody brings in a wall-sized framed portrait of themselves in oils. That would just about make my day!

As if this weren't enough, the itinerary of the day starts with something called "positive reinforcement." But we're unsure as to what they are positively reinforcing. Maybe the concrete barriers between their employees and the nearest exits would be the smartest move.

Last year's retreat was futile, but bearable. Only problem with this year's retreat is that the powers that be are feeling ambitious. And ambition and retreats are kind of at loggerheads if you really think about it. The corporation meets the convent, kind of a thing. "Let's really get in there and work hard at having a relaxing time." Right.

I already have people requesting my presence at their table; people who cannot bear the thought of serious faces oowing and awing over the poster competition they will inevitably make us do outlining our specific department's contributions and goals in the corporation. If we get to make any acronyms, I'm going straight for swear words. "This year we are focusing on 'Friendly Uncompromising Clientele Knowledge' " or "Since last year we've increased our 'Stellar Handling of International Teamwork' by 10%." I just hope I don't get in trouble. Like last year. When I shot out a barb and the whole room erupted into laughter. My boss didn't care for that much. (Sometimes that theatre degree can bite you in the butt.)

So, this year my watchwords will be "Save it for the Blog" and "Smile and Nod." We'll see how it goes... *sigh*

We'll see.

"Like Such As..."

If you haven't reveled in the misguided utterings of the current reigning Miss Teen South Carolina, see the video. The t-shirt above (which tastefully arranged her speech into the shape of the USA, should assist US Americans who have no maps like such as myself in identifying it next time) is available at this site. You'll also want to see their Pageant Geography t-shirt which carefully explains where the US is, South Africa, The Asian countries and as a bonus... the Iraq.

Wipe Out!

I've had bad days, but this takes the cake! (From Fox News)

Computer Tech Accidentally Erases Info on Alaska's $38 Billion Oil Fund
Tuesday, March 20, 2007

JUNEAU,
Alaska — Perhaps you know that sinking feeling when a single keystroke accidentally destroy hours of work. Now imagine wiping out a disc drive containing an account worth $38 billion.

A computer technician at the Alaska Department of Revenue deleted applicant information for an oil-funded sales account — one of state residents' biggest perks. While reformatting the disk drive during a routine maintenance check, the technician mistakenly reformatted the backup drive as well and, suddenly, all the data disappeared.

A third line of defense — backup tapes that are updated nightly — were unreadable. "Nobody panicked, but we instantly went into planning for the worst-case scenario," said Permanent Fund Dividend Division Director Amy Skow, about the computer foul-up in July that ended up costing the department more than $200,000.

Nine months worth of information concerning the yearly payout from the Alaska Permanent Fund was gone: some 800,000 electronic images that had been painstakingly scanned into the system months earlier,the 2006 paper applications that people had either mailed in or filed over the counter, and supporting documentation such as birth certificates and proof of residence. The only backup was the paperwork itself — stored in more than 300 cardboard boxes.

"We had to bring that paper back to the scanning room, and send it through again, and quality control it, and then you have to have a way to link that paper to that person's file," said Skow. Staff working overtime and weekends re-entered the lost data into the system by the end of August. Last October and November, they met their obligation to the public and a majority of the estimated 600,000 payments for last year's $1,106.96 individual dividends went out on schedule.

Former Revenue Commissioner Bill Corbus said no one was blamed in the incident. "Everybody felt very bad about it and we all learned a lesson. There was no witch hunt," said Corbus.

According to department staff, they now have a proven and regularly tested backup and restore procedure.

In Response To Nigerian Spam

DR MRS BENNY OKOH.
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS,
INTERNATIONAL CREDIT SETTLEMENT,
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.

Hello Dr. Mrs. (which is it?),

ATTENTION BENEFICIARY:THIS IS TO OFFICIALY INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE VERIFIED YOUR CONTRACT /INHERITANCE FILE AND FOUND OUT THAT WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT FUFILLED THE OBLIGATIONS GIVEN TO YOU IN RESPECT OF YOUR CONTRACT / INHERITANCE PAYMENT.

Wow. I didn't even know that why I had an inheritance file! Who did I inherit that from?

SECONDLY WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE STILL DEALING WITH THE NONE OFFICIALS IN THE BANK ALL YOUR ATTEMPT TO SECURE THE RELEASE OF THE FUND TO YOU.

I think you mean "Nuns," and yes, I too thought it was fishy that the bank was staffed with Sisters.

WE WISH TO ADVICE YOU THAT SUCH AN ILLEGAL ACT LIKE THIS HAVE TO STOP IF YOU WISHES TO RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT SINCE WE HAVE DECIDED TO BRING A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM.

I certainly wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of international law, especially considering you guys have already opened an inheritance file on me! Good thing you adviced me about that. Tell me what to do, Dr. Mrs!

RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ARRANGED YOUR PAYMENT THROUGH OUR SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTER ASIA PACIFIC, THAT IS THE LATEST INSTRUCTION BY THE PRESIDENT CHIEF OLUSEGUN OBASANJO (GCFR) FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.

So, let me get this straight: the President of your country told you to get me my inheritance through the Swift Card Program located in Center Asia Pacific? Wow. He really is involved with the small stuff, isn't he?

THIS CARD CENTER WILL SEND YOU AN ATM CARD WHICH YOU WILL USE TO WITHDRAW YOUR MONEY IN ANY ATM MACHINE IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD,

Sweet!

BUT THE MAXIMUM IS ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS PER DAY,

Doh!

SO IF YOU LIKE TO RECIEVE YOUR FUND THIS WAY PLEASE LET US KNOW BY CONTACTING THE CARD PAYMENT CENTER AND ALSO SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:

I Loves Me Some Free Money! = )

PERSONAL DATA"S: (love the plural!)
FULLNAME Mundo Belch Shipley
ADDRESS 1 Pencilnek Dr. (P.OBOX NOT ACCEPTABLE)
CITY Yellowstone Park
STATE Wyoming
COUNTRY Florida
SEX Not currently
AGE 16
MARITAL STATUS Divorced
OCUPATION Lawn and Garden Care Facilitator
FAX/TELEPHONENUMBER 876-921-3321
NATIONALITY Floridian


CONTACT PERSON: DR.UJU MADU INTEGRATED PAYMENT DEPARTMENT

*writes down* Dr. Mrs. Uju Madu-du

THE ATM CARD PAYMENT CENTER HAS BEEN MANDATED TO ISSUE OUT $8,300,000.00 AS PART PAYMENT FOR THIS FISCAL YEAR 2007.

That is SO much money! I am totally inheriting that!

ALSO FOR YOUR INFORMATION YOU HAVE TO STOP ANY FURTHER COMMUNICATION WITH ANY OTHER PERSON(S) OR OFFICE(s). THIS IS TO AVOID ANY HITCHES IN FINALIZING YOUR PAYMENT.

Sure don't want those hitches! What rhymes with hitches? You guessed it: Legal Problems!

NOTE: THAT BECAUSE OF IMPOSTORS, WE HEREBY ISSUED YOU OUR CODE OF CONDUCT, WHICH IS (811) SO YOU HAVE TO INDICATE THIS CODE WHEN CONTACTING THE CARD CENTER.

Very comforting to know you have Code of Conduct. So many unscrupulous people have none whatsoever. Thank you, Dr. Mrs. Madu-du. I look forward to getting my inheritance ATM card any day!

Love,
Mundo B. S.

Democratic Squirrels

Hahahahaha! (I'm sorry.) Hahahahahaha! HA! (excuse me.)

Pop Princess in Close Shave

Britney Spears flies coach from FL to LA on Friday, stops into a hair salon and requests a completely shaved head. The kindly owner of the establishment refuses and tried to mother the poor girl a bit. At which point Britney takes a set of clippers and shaves her own head. The owner takes pity and evens up the trim for her (making the best out of a bad situation) where upon Britney reportedly looked at the mirror and cried, "What have I done? My mom's gonna kill me." She then decided to cross town to a local tattoo parlor where she got two tattoos. A crowd gathering outside vied for glimpses of the meltdown volcano inside.

Good girl, Britney. Way to scare yourself silly by doing something non-lethal, but visually appalling. Way to cry for attention in some way that will not have permanent lasting effect. I applaud you. And now, let's see if we can help you get some dignity back, too.

twiTch

I have a new ailment that amuses me no end: twitching. My eyelid twitches. Not constantly. Only occasionally. But it is rather amusing to try to have a serious conversation when one eye is in convulsions. I try not to laugh. Maybe the other person will thinking I'm winking repeatedly very quickly.

[UPDATE: my twiTch is hiding from me. It spasms all day, at various times, but NEVER when I am looking in a mirror. I've tried to catch it working it's twitchy magic on my face, but no matter how spasmodically it was tweaking my eyelid, the instant I stare at it it becomes calm as the dead sea! It's laughing at me. That or I have a very calming effect on myself...]

Landmark Appreciation Day

I don't know about you, but this makes me want to join right up! And I was not coerced at all into saying that!

Burglary - Grade F

What is it with criminals these days? It's like they're just not putting their whole hearts into it anymore... (See Video)

Ugg is for Uggly!

Ladies, let's have an honest discussion about footwear. Some footwear is attractive:













Some footwear is not:












Can we all agree that Uggs are uggly and that a beautiful woman should avoid putting them onto her body, at all times, unless she is in a blizzard in Minnesota? In which case, we would all be spared seeing them due to the driving snow. That would be ok. but seriously, them are some uggly boots. Just because celebrities wear them does not make them look any better. They look ugly on Kate Hudson and they will look ugly on you.















Please, stop the Uggs!

Tom Noe Before and Afters

I guess the moral of this story is, "don't invest in rare coins."

Picking Up Chicks: 101

Men, tired of being rejected by women you've barely met? Unsure of how to approach that fabulous hottie across the bar? How will you learn the smooth approach when chatting up the ladies? Here's how. Cutting Edge Image Consultant, Stephen Nash (yes, Stephen Nash) gives you step by step instructions on how to keep it casual and easy when meeting chicks. He keeps it real on how to make your next approach "as natural as a sunrise."

For instance, don't wait for her to ask questions about you, instead, surprise her with a sentence loaded with personal goodies that make you seem like a real nice guy:

“Your sweater reminds me of my sister, though we are from the south, it gets cold around November. She used to wear something similar at Thanksgiving.”

See how easy that was? Also, if you can convince this guru of the girly that you've got what it takes and are striking out all over town, he will send you a copy of his ebook "How to Get a Girlfriend" absolutely free!

This one's a no brainer. Gentlemen, start your engines, cuz it's time to put that love-mobile in drive.

(Swiped from Joey's blog.)

Wrestling Is Real!

Dammit.

Why Didn't I Think Of That?

"He was sacked after four years when his employers realised he had done no work."

Caption Contest!

And this time, I swear there will be prizes! No really. I mean it. Winner gets a free camera phone art montage collage exhibit collection presentation. Hurrah! Now on you get!

Pizza Delivery Stories

You can read 'em yourself.

I liked #58.

How NOT To Honor Martin Luther King Jr.

Wal-Mart, you should be ashamed of yourself. Tsk.

Jude Law the Paperdoll

A link from honestus on the other paperdoll post brought me here. Damn you, honestus! Damn you to hades! my eyes! My eyes! They burn!

Build your own Carrot Man

Fun and pointless!

Please submit photos to me at ksrasra AT gmail DOT com

Fast-Food Scammer Busted

Now who would go and do a thing like that? Would a face like that lie? Irony of irony's, his last name means "beautiful heart" in French. The only beautiful thing in his heart is the French Fry grease shining in iridescent splendor.