Self Portrait

Paperclip Guy

UFO

A New Twist on an Old Sithole

Zimbabwean female runner actually a man.

bulb

Tree as seen on golf course at Christmas time.

Headstands

I found some instructions on the internet for doing a headstand, but it also says not to attempt it till you've done yoga for at least two years, so it's not exactly instant gratification, but anyways, I thought you all would like some headstand photos since I came across so many interesting ones.

It's all your misfortune and none of my own

I got a fortune cookie recently which had the following to say: "Today is a lucky day for those who remain optimistic and cheerful." On the back it read: "But if you're a pessimist, it's gonna suck!"

No it didn't really say that on the back. You know I'm just joshing you. But I couldn't help drawing that conclusion as I put it up on my fridge under a brown and orange butterfly magnet which I acquired four years ago under cloudy circumstances.

Also on my fridge there is a postcard of a man and an elephant doing headstands together (here's a tiny picture of same). Very inspirational. It reminds me that doing headstands while being followed by an elephant could become very hazardous to your health.

I also have the complete Wegman Magnet collection. I'm not sure what function the dogs in dresses serve in my life (besides holding up bits of paper), but I rather like them. They help counterbalance the ugly butterflies. I tried to find you all a picture of them, but apparently they don't exist except on my fridge.

In case you haven't noticed, I am reciting an inventory of fridge decorations. This may seem like an odd thing to do, but in fact it makes total sense. I am at work and I wish I were at home standing in front of my fridge looking at the drawings and receipts and photos I have there. There is something calming about my fridge front (and side). It's like a living, breathing pulse. I look at that fridge to take my own emotional temperature. If it looks sunny and happy I feel better. If it looks cluttered or sagging, I feel a bit glum. Then I clean it up and rearrange the dogs until I feel better.

Today is a lucky day... because I choose to remain cheerful and optimistic. And actually, I am cheerful and optimistic. Ugly butterflies and all.

Happy Monday everybody!

Song for a Monday Morning

Just gives me warm fuzzies thinking about how much space that baby is saving right now.

Tandem Randoms

Alright random lovers the world around. Have I got a post for you. Today the background color was chosen using a sophisticated three person color choosing method.

Today's RANDOMLY chosen word of the day: dooced

RANDOM picture of the day: Slick!

And a RANDOM contest: Pick a caption for today's random photo.

Good luck and Happy Friday!!

Awww.

Can't remember the real name...

but you can always go there and read the real name for yourself. It's a strange little musical game. You need speakers, World, to fully enjoy this one. I admit, I stole it shamelessly from ze frank's blog. I get all my best material from ze frank, really. I just let him do all the hard work. I mean, you all could probably just start reading his blog and find half the links I use here. Well, no not half. Not even a third really. Actually, quite a small percentage. So forget I said that. Ze has great links and I sometimes link to them. That is all.

Oh and this one is also quite nice. Hehe. Wasted another hour of life on that one, trying to blow things up just so. Didn't really succeed at whatever it was I was trying to accomplish I don't think, but what is this world coming to when a person can't enjoy a pointless game just because it's a pointless game on a pointless day in the center of a pointless universe?

No, it's not really a pointless universe. It's just a silly little game I enjoyed and think you might enjoy too.

Bacon Whores

So, I'm about to got home seeing as I have a Valentine's Day Cold and my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my head hurts (I said that already), my other eyes hurt, my teeth, my nasal passages and my head hurts. So I'm going home early and if you don't see me ablogging tomorrow, try not to care, because I'm in bed and I don't care about you. At least I won't be thinking about you, cuz I'll be blowing the everloving snot out of my snausage.

Bacon whores

Happy VD to everyone in Blogland! : )

Nuggets of Wisdom

(or "bring back the fun blog")

I talked to wiser, older sis on the phone briefly in the midst of my harried and extremely busy work day (haha). I had just reread some older posts and a wave of nostalgia hit me when I saw how many warm and wonderful moments we've all shared on this blog. The banter, the cheer, the laughing at old defenseless men. Good times. I told her I missed that. When readers were aplenty and the comments ranged all over. Those, my friends, those were the days. And she told me that if I would just stop writing so much about myself, especially about how pitiful I am and returned to the happy-go-lucky contests and elephant trivia days, the readers would come bounding back. I had to agree. I know quite well I've been digging deep into unpopular and pitiful land lately. I would apologize, but what's the point?

A still life portrait.

Letter to the US. (not) from John Cleese

(The joke's on US and I couldn't help laughing. Apparently this is an old one that keeps getting passed around with the new president's name. Harhar. Enjoy.)

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair
with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn
that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must
learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The
name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip,
oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. >From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear
as in "clear" NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

Gulls were out in force.

Had to Share

The onion peels off Google's plans for 2005.

Random Photo of the Day

It's too big and wonderful to post here. So go here.

Life is a Dish Best Served Fun

A reader asked today how one could go about enjoying life more. He or she apparently has not spent a lot of time thinking about this. Which is ok. He or she probably spends time thinking about other things that are equally important, but which for the moment cloud his or her enjoyment of life.

Well, since we're all here in this rowboat with nothing to do (particularly) for the next few minutes, let's throw out the question and see what we can come up with together. I'll go first.

How can Anonymous go about enjoying life more?

Well, first we need to know what exactly it is that Anonymous is doing too much of. I am a firm believer that when your life revolves too much around one finite arena it begins to feel stuffy and closed. We humans are marvelously big on the inside. Amazingly huge. It is difficult for anyone to remember all the cool aspects of one person at any given time. We sometimes even forget cool aspects of ourselves.

So, Anonymous, I'm afraid you're going to have to fess up and tell us what it is you do too much of. Whenever you're ready... we'll be waiting.

Next, we need to know what Anonymous is doing too little of. Obviously there are a myriad things that Anonymous may do infrequently or not at all so let me specify. We need to know what it is that Anonymous is good at or loves to do, but, for the moment (or the last several decades) Anonymous has not done. It could be several things. It usually is. List 'em out. Look at 'em.

Then, Anonymous, you need to take a look at your relationships. This is always a fun one, because we humans are so damn complex at any one time and we either put too much expectation on those closest to us or too little expectation. Finding balance is tricky. And even trickier is not blaming those who are close to us for our unhappiness. (We all do it. From time to time. Because it's easy and it feels right at first. But those of you who have really traveled that road will recognize these words: Dead End.)

Right. So you take the handful (or bucketful or thimbleful) of relationships you currently have in life and you look at them. Have any of them gone cold? Like dead fish. Are they starting to stink a bit? Corroded? Mildewed? How important are they to your life? (Please remember to look at relationships individually not as a lump of social obligations. I have exhibited very poor judgement in that arena in the past - baby/bathwater, you know how it goes.) Ask yourself one question: can I do something nice for this other person today? If you're currently angry with them then ask yourself if you need some space or if you need to tell them. If you just haven't kept in contact, then jolly well call them and have a ten minute chat. (And I know this is harder for guys than for girls, Anonymous, but I'm not taking any excuses.) The effect this will have on your life is like opening a window in your soul and letting the fresh air in.

So, to review:

1) What are you doing too much of? What is dull, dead and repetitive? Can you cut back on it or at least change the environment around that repetitiveness? How can you make it different?

2) What are you not doing enough of? (I assume you bathe regularly, but if not, please put that at the top of the list. You will feel better almost immediately. And speaking of which, one of these days try walking into the shower with all your clothes on. I highly recommend it.) No, seriously, there is probably something you really like/d and don't do nearly enough of currently. Figure out what it is and how you can put more of it in your life.

3) People: who, what, why, where. Take everybody's pulse and then think of something nice to do for them all. It helps. Especially since hopefully at least one of them will do something nice back which will make you feel even gooder.

4) And lastly, it is important to remember that sucky days are inevitable and should be taken with a grain of salt and an awareness that this will all pass and eventually THINGS WILL GET BETTER. They always do. (Things also always get worse, I'm sorry to say. I know it's not a very happy thought, but there it is. It's all a matter of which side of the cycle you're gonna focus on. I focus on the upside. Supposedly this makes me an optimist, but I think it's just laziness. Worrying burns calories and I burn enough doing absolutely nothing.)

Well, that's a rough version of my own philosophy and obviously not as tailored to Anonymous as I would like. I need to know more about him/her before I could confidently offer valid advice to his/her situation. Everybody's different, Anonymous. Your happiness is gonna look different than my happiness which looks different from ... somebody else's. The best part of enjoying life more is spending time thinking about what will make you happier and then doing it. Wheee! Doesn't that sound like fun?

Ok. Who else...

Found this picture in the newspaper the other day. It reminded me of several things: laying on the floor in dance classes, giggling, asian babies and being a kid. See, as a secretary I could never do this at work. But inwardly I'm doing this kind of thing all day long. I'm twisting and spinning and rolling around on the inside. I have no dignity. Or rather I have the kind of majestic dignity that a kid has who has no regard for social norms or basic office propriety. Maybe that's why I liked teaching drama to eight year olds so well: I got paid to roll around on the floor. Anyways. I offer this image as a reminder that we are all allowed to play on the floor. In our spirits. Ok, no that sounded hokey. It's not about your inner child. It's about your outer childishness. Reminding your body that you don't have to sit upright in a swivel chair all day every day.

Meet grumpy

Here he is: GRUMPY