Into the Valley of Dent

I cross my fingers and go bravely to the dentist.
Wish me luck!

root canal = act on oral

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Caption Contest!

A new and better Caption Contest is now underway! You have only to dislodge from your teeming genius brain the beautific fruits of hilarious captionization and plunk it into the comments section of this post to be considered for Fabulous Prizes and world recognition! It's that easy! The competition may be fierce and the petty recapping even fiercer, but it's something we here at YLSN(a)ED can't live without!

Let the captions BEGIN!

(photo found at Handknits for Young Moderns. Per usual.)

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HeroMachine Character Generator

Go ahead! Waste your time. I did and I'm a better person for it.

(Nate again. Thanks, Nate!)

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Hare-Brained Italians

And their crazy mountain decor.

(swiped from Nate.)

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(Solace by Christine Matthies, 2003)

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Straight Talk From The Onion

Edible Art

I bet I was told at least once as a child (and as an adult, come to think of it) not to play with my food. If this guy was ever told, he obviously didn't listen. Here's a sampling of his fantastic food sculptures.

(World, found it on Scavenger. Thanks, World.)

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Random Photo of the Day

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I picked the place out of a hat. Well, I might as well have. It was the dentist office nearest to my house as close as I could figure and their tagline was something like 'we cater to cowards' or whatever. Not that I care about that. I'm not afraid of dentists, or drills, or needles. I don't really care. I just want to walk away looking the same or better than I did walking in.

I had an early appointment. I parked and ran inside the converted house/office. The woman at the front desk told me to move my car. I did. When I came back she was gone and I stood at the front desk as the doctors filed in with the casual disdain adopted by most doctors. I had a good feeling already.

The woman returned and passed me the usual clipboard which says I give them permission to use my records if a natural disaster hits the area or if I'm mauled badly in a horrible life altering accident or something to that affect. On the patient form it asked, "What would you like us to know about you?" To which I responded, "I would like to keep my teeth for awhile longer." Then it asked, "What do you think is an important trait in a dentist?" I said, "Not assuming my mouth is their property."

I was taken to a waiting room to get my x-rays. The assistant proceeded take the wrong ones. I sat looking at the round mirror on the ceiling thinking, 'That surely puts my mind at ease.'

After the x-rays they shuffled me off to another barely partitioned area. As I sat on the reclining chair I remembered for a moment that the electric chair was invented by a dentist. Then I saw the sign posted in big red letters just outside the window:

Again, not really helping to create a sense of ease or calm. The assistant came running in and out asking if I was sure which of my teeth it was that was causing problems. I kept my headphones on so I could better ignore her. Much hubbub later she realized she was looking at the wrong tooth and finally my prognosis was handed down: I had a dying nerve. My tooth was going to be dead. According to them, quite soon. I tried to take in this information. They rushed me back to the woman at the front desk. Up to this point I had failed to realize how much she looked like a women's volleyball coach.

"We here at (name withheld) Dental believe in creating a relationship with our patients." She began, "We believe in earning trust..." I looked off into the room full of people who were about to hear my ailment, my financial situation and future tooth plans and wondered where this trust was supposed to be coming from. "Now here's what's going to happen: We need to schedule a root canal. After that we'll put a crown on the tooth. Now since you don't have insurance we can try to work out a payment plan..."

I interrupted, "I'm sorry, could you explain what a root canal is?"

She looked a little disgusted and said, "I'll explain everything in just a moment." She rolled her chair towards me and between my legs. "I'm going to show you something." She hoisted her muscular body over me and opening her mouth she inserted her finger into her gaping maw and said, "Shee ziss? Ahn ziss?" She closed her mouth again, "Those are all crowns. I never floss. I'm terrible role model I know, but I got all that work done here. We only use precious metals. We believe in the highest quality work."

I cast an eye towards the waiting room full of patients watching this eerie spectacle. One woman looked up and gave me a faint pitying smile. I sighed. The walrus with the french braid was still going on about procedure and protocols. I cut to the chase.

"How long can I expect this thing last?"

She smiled all-knowingly. "Some of the crowns I have in my mouth I got 'em 25 years ago."

I didn't bother asking about the rest of them. I shelled out the cash and left.

Later that day I returned and picked up my x-rays (much to the receptionist's dismay). I have since made an appointment with someone else. One who knows what he is doing. Thank God for second opinions!

I won't be going back to the dental shop of the devil, but if you want to know of a great dentist in Cleveland then just ask me. I do know the man for the job.

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Leaf It Alone

Giraffes move from tree to tree instead of eating off only one or two because the trees “communicate” with each other. When a giraffe (or elephant or other large species) eats the leaves, it causes stress on the tree. The tree then secretes a noxious chemical that makes the leaves taste bad. Once a tree starts secreting this chemical, it signals surrounding trees to produce the same chemical. (Kind of like how one rotting apple will cause the others to spoil.) Giraffes always start with the tallest tree that is upwind, then take a few bites before moving to the next tree, and thereby largely avoiding the chemical deterrent.

(Info lifted from seadaze.com)

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Beard Barons

Damn it feels good to be a gangster!
I'm very excited to announce that the World Beard and Moustache Championships are at hand! October 1, 2005 will see the streets of Berlin literally bristling with the bushiest and most breathtaking beards known to man! Check out these categories!
Before I die, people, before I die I will attend.
Hopefully not as a competitor.
(If you'd like to keep up with Team USA, you can read their blog.)

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Nothing Works

My cellphone won't ring.
My computer stalls.
My heater is cold.
My email won't load.
My clock is slow.
And blogger won't take my pictures.

But my outfit... now that's one thing that does work.

And really, what else matters?

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This is Mel. She works the cash register at the bookstore. I see her every day, but today I asked her, "Mel, can I take my picture with you by the cash register?" To which she answered, "Why?" "It's for a project I'm doing." "Ok, I guess." So I set the timer, put my arm around her and waited for the little light to flash. We looked at the picture afterwards. She said, "It looks like I'm your b***h." To which I responded, "Of course you are! But if it's any comfort I also look like I have an umbrella growing out of my head."

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Scavenger Hunt Blog Style

Find the following blog using the links in the sidebar. Start with mine. Pick a blog from my list of blog links (side bar only). Then select a link from their blog list, etc, trying to find the end site listed below. One blog leads to another blog leads to another until you reach this site:

Tell It Like It Is

Found at: http://movinon1.blogspot.com

This is going to be interesting.

Hints: Start with Diva
I did it in five links (not counting my page)

I'm giving away two prizes - one for the most elegant solution and one for the most torturous.

Good luck.

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You Won't Believe Me

...but this is one of the busiest weeks at my job (my money job. the one I go to every day. where I do all my best blogging. For which I have yet to be fired.) and i'm spent like a dime right about now trying to get the last pan of chili heated for the hot dogs for the evening students (nothing says lovin' like a chilidog at five pm). I tell you one thing, there ain't no nineteen year old boy in this school who doesn't think of me as the next great white women because I brought them lunch all week long. (I didn't cook it, I just heat it and serve it. My boss cooks it, bless her heart.) Of course, there is the mild side-effect of getting completely worn out just as a pile of hungry, selfish, greedy students come charging in to eat. I don't know how to explain it. I have patience. I have love. I have grace. But when the third kid says, "How come you don't have any chicken?" or "Why don't you have onions for these?" or "Ain't you gonna give me more cake than that?" some part of me that I do not control flips him the bird. Sometimes I don't even look up. "Sarah, I know you're gonna give me more mashed potatoes than that!" The bird. "Sarah-man, how you gonna be stingy with the wings like that?" The bird. "Sarah, when we going out on a date?" No bird. Instead I smile and say, "When I want to get fired, you'll be the first to know." I have kids who hang around me during these trying times just in the hopes that they will hear me swear. I'm not sure why this is such a thrill for them, but sure enough, I burn my hand on a tray of steaming hot rice and out flies a shit or a fuck. And eyebrows go up. At least somebody gets a kick out of it.

It's hard work, this. But it's good work. I prefer scrubbing out huge tin pans in the teachers' lounge to washing my own cups and plates at home. And if I had to pick a hard job then carrying trays of food and dishing it out is a fun one. I mean seriously, how many desk jobs rotate from filing papers to chopping tomatoes? How often do you get to finish a spreadsheet and then fire up six sternels? Its the little things in life that make it so rich.

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"Fresh Up!"

Cooking with Seven-Up!

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Men get them more frequently than women.

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Come Clean

Post Secret Meets O.C.D. Check it out.

(Thanks to just a girl.)

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The Laws of Normalcy

Are you aware of the force that pulls you constantly to the earth's surface? The force that binds you to the crust of this sphere we call home? We call it gravity and its power is undeniable. Man has fought it for almost as long as he has existed. Human mind has tried to reject it, tried to break free from it's hold, and for moments, at least, has succeeded. Man takes flight and challenges the clouds for supremacy. But eventually gas runs out, wind dies down and gravity is more persistent than we are. The old axiom rings true again and again that what goes up must come down. We are settled on this earth for ancient reasons and since no one has come up with better reasons, we stay here. It is probably no accident that when we die we fall not just down but often into the earth.

Normalcy is similar to gravity. Powerfully compelling us to find a status quo and stick with it. To define ourselves with a pattern or projection of what we are like and what we can expect from life. If it worked for generations before us then it will work for us. If this is the way I've always done something then this is the way I will continue to do it. Or if not to define ourselves, at least we define our schedule, our eating habits, our work and other peripheral activities that we can then point to and call 'ourselves.' We are almost always looking to even out the ride, settle into an efficient pattern to get us where we are going. We all want smoother sailing to get us through our journey. The stronger our patterns for our lives the fewer questions we will be forced to ask and the more we can take on assumption. And assumptions streamline the process of everyday living.

Let me ask you a question: Have you ever witnessed a moment when another human being, either through traumatic events or personal discovery, realizes that their life could be different? Sometimes even should be different. And for a shining moment they reject the pattern they have thus far chosen and start off on another path entirely, living their life with boldness and clarity? I have seen it. May have even lived it. And I have noticed time and again that despite the revelation, no matter how great, the tendency to ebb back into the pattern of previous living is incredibly strong. Sometimes the point of clarity was vivid enough to last a lifetime and it remains a fixed point of change. But more often than not, the point of clarity dims as it recedes into the past.

So, why this essay on normalcy, I hear you ask. Change is difficult and often unwanted. Change is helpful and often unexpected. And when we are handed our chunk of change in life we get to make a choice: we can absorb it into our current life pattern or we can choose to change our life pattern to fit our new circumstance.

And I was curious... Which do you do?

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A Word To All My Friends

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My Pirate Name...

Is Mad Dog Kidd. What Be Yours?

(Thanks, Gracky.)

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And the Winner Is...

The Winners of our Last Caption Contest are hereby announced! (I think this one was a little tough picture-wise so extra-credit for everyone who tried.) If you don't know what the prizes are, read them here.

First Place Winner:

Marie said...
Stella was shocked to learn that she was the only one in the world who would ever wear this sweater.

Second Place:

Lukas Abrhm said...
Unfortunately, David's revolutionary new noose contraption didn't really kill people, just made them look ridiculous.

Third Place:
Steve DeGroof said...
A sudden cold updraft reminded Andrea of the importance of layering.
Congratulations to all our winners and, Sarah, next time pick a better picture. Thanks.

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Better Betty's vs. Worse Wilma's

It's a test of true friendship, a sign of utmost loyalty, its how you know you'll be best friends 4ever, KIT, LOL, AWOL, ESPN etc. You've decided to go to a costume party dressed as Betty and Wilma. Here are a few girls who decided to take their friendships to the next level. You be the judge. Who makes the best prehistoric duo?

Team 1.

Team 2.

Team 3.

Team 4.

Team 5.

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Watch this video: It's Out of Sight!

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A Clean Get Away

I hope he at least squeezed from the bottom.

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Beauty in the Dark

By sunset, Asia had grown weary of the confinement of the higher floors of the house and returned to the living room to investigate the rehearsal we were having. She stood for a moment by the door, looking in. She didn't notice the first photo I took. By the second she was in full-presentation smile mode. And it is a great smile.
She worked her way silently across the room and taking advantage of the grown-up conversation to divert attention she circled the microphone closest to the ground. Her grandfather tried several times to shoo her and, momentarily, it worked. But not for long. Eventually, after grandad was onto her resistance she was sent to bed.

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The Few. The Proud. The Really Bored.

(Props to Worldgineer for the find, by the way.)

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Hell No, We Won't Go!

Q: What's worse than living in a giant stadium with no privacy, no posessions and no home?

A: Living in Cleveland. Apparently.

Mayor Jane Campbell announced shortly after Hurricane Katrina to a polite crowd of Clevelanders that Cleveland was opening its doors and its hearts to a thousand evacuees from Hurricane Katrina. The beds were made, the water bottles stacked, the temporary housing was all in place. And Cleveland waited. And waited. And waited.

Word slowly trickled back from the Astrodome: No one wanted to come. Awww, poor Cleveland! So, FEMA decided that rather than let Cleveland feel like the unpopular kid at the lunch table clutching his bag of off-brand chips and his dinted apple, that they were going to force 500 people to relocate to Cleveland. (I'm laughing so hard as I write this that I'm having trouble seeing my keyboard.) The poor bastards!

Welcome! : )

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You Name It

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = snickle b = doombah c = goober d = cheesey e = crusty
f = greasy g = dumbo h = farcus i = dorky j = doofus k = funky
l = boobie m = sleezy n = sloopy o = fluffy p = stinky q = slimy
r = dorfus s = snooty t = tootsie u = dipsy v = sneezy w = liver
x = skippy y = dinky z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin b = feather c = batty d = burger e = chicken
f = barffy g = lizard h = waffle i = farkle j = monkey
k = flippin l = fricken m = bubble n = rhino o = potty
p = hamster q = buckle r = gizzard s = lickin t = snickle
u = chuckle v = pickle w = hubble x = dingle y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt b = boob c = face d = nose e = hump f = breath
g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = head l = tush
m = chunks n = dunkin o = brains p = biscuits q = toes
r = doodle s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = frack
w = squirt x = humperdinck y = hiney z = juice

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Red: Not Just For Necks Anymore

Stranger Than Corn

Sorry, Worldgineer, but I couldn't get your entire order filled. I struggled to unite the corn, the camera and the kindly stranger on a bus all at once, but my purse just wasn't big enough. So I did the next best thing. I asked a stranger at the library to hold the can of corn while I told him my life story (albeit briefly) and then took his picture. The only thing I know about the man in the picture is that his name is Mendrell, he doesn't like canned corn, and he doesn't know what an octogenarian is. What he does know is my life story.

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Random Photo of the Day

Who are these people and what are they doing?

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If You're Like Me...

...you've pulled the Ramen Pride seasoning packet out of the trash because you didn't add enough to your soup in the first place.

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Come Fly With Me To Section Eight

Damn! And I just bought non-refundable tickets!

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The Plot Thickens

Think Of It As A Hug Goodnight

And that makes more sense of what these parents did.

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Man vs. Power Line: Power Line Wins

So, here's something else that petty thieves can cross off their list...

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Sometimes I Feel Like A Bubbless Child


Caption Contest

Here she is, folks, the face of this week's Caption Contest.

Make of her what you will. Found, as always, at Handknits for Young Moderns.

Fabulous Prizes for our First Place Winner! W0O+!

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So, this word verification feature on the blogs has some interesting features. For one thing, it's like a mini acid trip. For no charge at all and very few side effects, you can stare at the puzzling assortment of letters as they bend across the page and get a slight high. The second thing, pointed out by reader Lukas, is that these word verifier contraptions are like dyslexia on crack cocaine. Not only are they using letters that nobody likes, like 'x' and 'f', but they've also managed to occasionally cram all their letters together in a ball so you can't tell which is what. All this is apparently necessary to keep spammers away. I guess I understand. So let's have a little fun with the word verification, shall we? No sense letting the ridiculous go to waste. Here's what we're gonna do: Using any of the following three pictures, find all the words you can spell using the letters in that picture. You may use and reuse the same letters over and over and over, but you must only use the letters in that one picture. Be sure to clarify which picture you are using so other people can compare to (and cheat off of) yours. Yay!




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Thesis Ridiculous

Please find or create the most elaborate and hopefully ridiculous thesis title possible.

Here's an example:

Modern Day Trout vs. Moby Dick: A Hollistic Fisherman's Paradigm

Other Entries:

"Don't Throw Away That Lamp": A Transcendental Reflection on the Recycling Community of Eastern Timbuktu

I'll Hold It Until We Get Home: The Correlation Between Fuel Consumption and Restroom Cleanliness.

Floccinaucinihilipilification and the Over-reliance on Academic Theses.

"We don't need no stinkin' Thesis Generators!”: A look back at the misuse of the English language

I Was A French Deaf Mute: The Problem Of Language Amnesia And Reincarnation

Bellydancing Psychics: Their role in the formation of a futuristic utopian society

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Word of the Day


How I think it sounds:
this is an audio post - click to play

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Fisherman's Knots

I could live inside of this picture for about a year.
From Chromasia

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"Ya Whippersnapper!"

A college student at a recent Carolina football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have satellite television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and, uh .."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little shit head! Now what the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

(via email)

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! Is Winner The And

Our Reverse Caption Contest has concluded! The winners are hereby announced!
For the Caption:
"This Too Shall Pass."

First Place Winner, Steve DeGroof with

Second Place Winner, chopper with

Third Place Winner, Dave with

Congratulations to all our winners!

As a prize, (since this is a reverse contest) all winners will send me a present! : )

Just kidding. I will knit you all a tree cozy... just as soon as I learn how to knit.

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My Left Foot

What if we really could walk on the ceiling? What if rainbows were solid and worked like escalators? What if you decided every morning what color your skin would be? What would happen if limes were bigger than coconuts? What if your house was made of jello? What if you could inhale enough helium to hover three feet above ground? What if your thoughts trailed behind you like toilet paper on the shoe?

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Ain't that a squirt in the face?

I can't say I condone this behavior, but I was laughing at the insta-thetan reading Tom tried to give the guy.

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Dove Surprise

In other unfortunate pet news...

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Floyd the Fish

I feel sick and mildly entertained.

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Rare Bit of Welsh Wedding Fun

Seems getting to the church on time is getting harder and harder.

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St. Gabriel Blows His Horn

A town once host to a leper colony now takes in Katrina's dead for processing and identification. Official death count as of this posting: 73.

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World Capitals


Who's Helping The Upperdog?

Just a few of the 95 nations sending aid to the US for disaster relief efforts:

South Korea $30,000,000
India $5,000,000
Japan $200,000 and quadruple that in supplies
Afganhistan $100,000
Sri Lanka $25,000
Germany MRE's, high-speed pumps, forensic experts

It's almost embarrassing how much aid is coming our way. And also kind of touching. Sri Lanka is still wrapped in the fog of recent tsunami damage. There were reports of aid offerings waiting US approval and even some that were outright rejected. Iran in particular was turned away, but ostensiably because they offered crude oil in exchange for a lift on the trade embargo and apparently the US wasn't feeling it.

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Where Are We Going?

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Being John Graculus: Concluded

Here's what graculus had to say about me:

1. I'll respond with a random thought I have about you.
You remind me of Alison.

2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
Not reminds, but makes me think of you, as I think you would sing it like an angel - Summertime And the living is easy

3. I'll pick a flavor of jello (I may go with a dessert) to wrestle with you in.
Ben and Jerry's Cookies and Cream

4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or so we think).
It's not for the Green card!

5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
Being grumpy and telling me off for spelling your name wrong.

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
A Lioness

7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
What perfume do you smell of?

8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog.

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Reverse Caption Contest!

OK! Here's the deal; we've been putting captions to classy photos for a while now and it is a blast, no doubt about it. But this time around I thought we'd try something different. This time I give you a Caption and you find the photo that you think suits it best. Most fitting or wittiest photo wins! Fabulous Prizes will be rewarded as always. Good Luck!

Find a photo for this caption:

"This too shall pass."

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Evening sun catches the petals of an alstroemeria flower.

This kid is my hero



this is an audio post - click to play

Here in Cleveland, we celebrate our Oktoberfest in September because we are progressive. Or maybe it's just because it's too cold in October. Or maybe because we don't recognize the word "October" when it's spelled "Oktober."

I don't know.

I do know that Tara and I went to the Oktoberfest on the west side of town today and were swept up in the giddy, Germanic fun!

If you listen to this post, you will hear five new swear words or phrases inspired by our time at Oktoberfest. They were in no way influenced by alcoholic beverages. Seriously. They weren't.

Pick your favorite and use it this week!

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Tree Cozy (updated)

What do you do when you spot a crochet-covered tree on your way across town? You get a camera and take copious pictures to post on your blog, of course. This Tree Cozy is part of a citywide art project to beautify and enhance our city. I am waiting for a phone call from Cleveland Heights City Hall as to who the artist was and what the "message" of the tree may be. My mother thinks it's a Divers-i-Tree.

UPDATE: This tree was created by artist Carol Hummel, a sculpture teacher at Kent State University. The article (linked) says she has two pieces in Cleveland Heights. I wonder where the other one is...

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papéis por todo o lado

I don't know what that means ("por todo" probably means "for everyone." Other than that I'm lost.), but I know the pictures are great. Nice to see Portugal and other far-flung destinations in such bold colors and shapes. Like this bedroom with shadows above. Click the pic to enter the world of Ana Ventura.

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My New Morman Name

My Mormon name is Busbyberkly Jukebox-Jezabel Burlene!
What's yours?

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Coffee Table Book

I'm afraid I might buy this some day.

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And The Winner Is!

Guess what, Ladies and Gents? The Caption Contest has officially ended and the winners are hereby announced! (You know I wouldn't forget you. With your cute little button icons and all your cute little mouse clicks!)

In no particular order (other than first place to last) here they are:

First Place Winner

Worldgineer said...
Tina and Marv attempt to form the chinese character for suave.

Second Place

normzone said...
When Santa emerged from the chimney, little Jimmy knew
that what he'd been told was a lie.

Blanche Almonde said...
All evening Betsy had waited patiently and - she hoped - seductively for him to notice her. Finally, the last flame had gone out (as had Rosavita, Mimi, Brunhilda, and Lashonda) and Guido’s eyes had fallen on her. He was as irresistibly drawn to
her as a moth to a flashlight. Her heart was crying “Yes! Yes!” to his smoldering unspoken question; the rest of her was screaming to go pee.

Worldgineer said...
I think I know a place we can be alone, though it's a little bit dark and sooty.

And the Runners Up...

Flipsycab said...
Having cased the joint, Goldilocks takes advantage of the three bears' absence. It's time!

normzone said...
"You know, I've ALWAYS thought left arm amputees were HOT..."

Congratulations to all our winners and all our amputees... I mean, participants. You're fabtastic, all of you! Our first Place Winner will, of course, receive Fabulous Prizes!*

*(You know what they are, don't make me say them again. Alright, fine. Your choice: 1) A random prize selected by k_sra from her local dollar store and shipped to you. [Note: this prize is really random.] 2) A stunt photo of your choosing where k_sra will attempt to create the image of your choosing with random objects and people. 3) A song made up about a topic of your choosing and performed here on the blog.)

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Being John Graculus

Grumpy has transformed himself into something new. He died and came back as Graculus and is playing some sort of game that I have to link to in order to play.

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Stuff + Cat = Awesome

Wanna see a bunch of cats putting up with stacks of boxes or ill-fitting clothes put on them? Go here.
Helps if you are slightly disoriented or giddy.

(creds to Tara for the link.)

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