Anatomy Fun!

Here's what barnzenen
won in last time's
Caption Contest:
But, shhh, don't tell him,
because he hasn't received
it yet in the mail!

It's foamy! : )

Stand Up and Cheer

For Use Parsley. She's thinking of becoming a cheerleader.

This Toosh'll Pass

You ever wonder about people who obsessively complain over one part of their body? Die-hard I-hate-my-butt fans for example or gee-aren't-my-legs-chubby enthusiasts? People who never lose an opportunity to remind themselves that their bodies do indeed have flaws?

Or maybe you are one of these people. You can't stand those extra ounces of fat under your arms, your chin depresses you in all photos you've ever seen, or your esophagus looks funny in the mirror (aha, you are paying attention!). Yeah, it comes to all of us once in a while, the "what's wrong with me now" game we play.

I do it too. (I don't particularly like my profile, I have a birthmark on my cheek, and no matter how skinny I am my stomach always sticks out {which I have secretly come to like *shhh* don't tell anyone with a Y chromosome}.) But I'm thinking of not doing it anymore. Playing the I'm-somehow-ugly game. I'm thinking of turning over an old leaf and carefully putting down the gun of self-loathing instead of picking it up and pointing it at my own precious little lumpy-shaped head. I'm thinking of not waiting till I'm older and wiser to be completely comfortable with my body, my laugh... my anything. How's that for a mid-year's resolution?

Sounds good to me. : )

Bullsh*t Bingo

Have a long and inevitably boring meeting to attend? Print up a few of these babies for you and your coworkers. First to win yells "Bullsh*t!" And really everyone's a winner when that happens.

Blog Advice

I need help. Can anyone tell me how to have links from my blog appear in a new window?

Overworked?

I know the feeling. It can get you into a strange head space. I call it 'computer head.' Usually it starts to take shape around three in the afternoon as you realize the mouse is glued to your hand and your eyeballs now only interpret pixels. And by five you fall off your chair and crawl towards the door in a desperate attempt to reclaim your humanity. Here's a little video that illustrates it well:

Overworked


(found by Chris)

The Ironic Pledge

I do occasionally wander over to the Pledge Bank, a little site where you can say, "I'll do such-and-such if so many other people will do something-or-other." Usually the something-or-other is the same as the such-and-such first proposed. It's all about groups of people banding together to reach a common goal. It's interesting if a little silly.

but today I chanced upon this little pledge. Take a moment to read it and its comments. A thing of beauty, really. Of course I signed up immediately! What kind of an individual would I be if I didn't?

I encourage you all to get involved with signing up for these little online pledges. Especially the ones that say, "I'll strip off completely if one other person will agree to meet me in bed. Naked." Those always end up being very profitable and amusing...

Sing-Along With Ze!

This zefrank song is sure to be a huge success with the Teletubby/Barney set.

Need a flatmate...

...who keeps to themselves?

(thanks to just a girl for the find.)

Jokes

Everyone needs one or two. I stole these off of Yeti's site. Thanks, Yeti!

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"


Q: Why can't engineers tell jokes timing?


Q. Why can't the Buddha vacuum in the corner?
A. Because he has no attatchments.

Caption Contest!

There are so many witty wonderful things you can say about any picture. A picture can inspire you to such heights of witdom that you take your own breath away!

And this picture is even better than most! So take it away... and if you don't quit your whining I will probably send each and every one of you Fabulous Prizes (because I'm a sucker for whiners as well as winners! [I'm going to make a great mother some day.]) !

Good luck!

(Picture found at Handknits for Young Moderns.)

What I Learned About Popcorn

You shouldn't blame the popcorn if you burn it in the microwave.
Also, if you've just burnt one bag, don't immediately try cooking another.
Also, throw out the burnt popcorn somewhere far away from your office.

What he's really thinking...

Click on the picture to hear what the guy with hair is really thinking.

And the Winner Is...

Ahoy, Mateys, and welcome to the conclusion of this week/month/whatever's Caption Contest!

We have a winner who will be receiving FABULOUS PRIZES as always! (And for those of you wondering, last time's winners did choose their prizes. Mymo chose a photo of me in his soon-to-be-famous dead man's suit. Barnzenen chose a randomly selected dollar store item. I'll post pics of each of these as soon as I have them.)

And the winner is:

Koobs said...
"Everybody ready to set sail for the Bermuda Love Triangle?"

Congratulations, Koobs, and be sure to let me know which Fabulous Prize you'd like to receive! The prize for this contest is your choice of the following: 1) A random prize selected by k_sra from her local dollar store and shipped to you. [Note: this prize is really random.] 2) A stunt photo of your choosing where k_sra will attempt to create the image of your choosing with random objects and people. 3) A song made up about a topic of your choosing and performed here on the blog.

Runners up for this contest are:

El Fid said...
"Ladies, I'm afraid you'll have to return those towels to your cabins before disembarking."

normzone said...
Robert and David reassured Paul "It doesn't hurt one bit" as he began his ascent to the Transexor machine.

Thanks to everyone who participated. Such a brilliant bunch of wise crackers I have rarely seen!

Mars Attacks

Thought you'd all like to know about Mars' night time activity next month.

Thanks, JB.

[UPDATE: Don't believe everything you read here! As Koobs points out to JB, the information presented is only quasi-true (That means only partly true). Here, see for yourself.

La Bicyclette

A woman rode by me this morning on her bicycle and as she did so a wave of nostalgia hit me.

I haven't ridden a bike since the Summer of 2002. Not since my parents and I traveled to Quebec (oh, the joys of being young and unemployed). We rented a beautiful apartment with a balcony and a view of a church spire which serenaded us at twilight. Only five minutes away was the Parc des Champs de Bataille. Or as we called it "The Plains of Abraham." When we arrived in town, we knew no one. We had a name and phone number for a friend of a friend. We called it. Through a series of inexplicable events and chance encounters which I could never hope to repeat, we met a lovely woman named Joann and her son Eric. Thank God for Eric. If it hadn't been for him, I would have wandered the city alone all summer in search of entertainment.

It just so happened that Eric and his mother had bikes. And free time. She was a college professor. He had just finished his second degree in physics. Eric and I (and sometimes his mother) would meet up and ride through the countryside, through town, cross country, or along the St. Lawrence River. Can you imagine anything better than spending your days biking through beautiful country on a relatively cool Summer day with people you actually enjoy spending time with? I don't think I've ever enjoyed biking quite as much.

Which is why it makes me sad to think about buying a bike here in Cleveland and riding all around in pursuit of solitary amusement. It just couldn't possibly be as much fun.

Eric might have spoiled me for biking alone. I don't know.

Really, Eric, when are you coming to visit? Bring Joann. And the bikes. : )

[UPDATE: Eric wrote me to say that he is now all reminiscent since he too hasn't ridden a bike since that summer (which is kinda stupid actually since he has a bike and all) and he is now looking for a child attachment in which he can haul his dog around. with. (confused by my own sentence structure here.) He is slightly saddened by this move on his part which will result in him becoming "one of those people." He also adds that as a true angloquebecer he must point out that it is "La Bicyclette" so of course I changed it. Thanks, Eric. He also asked me to call him tonight for six minutes (which is all the time I have left on my calling card. Darned Canadians and their other-country-ness!) And then he said he had to write a two page review of a four page essay of two hundred page book. Good times. I bet you are all glad I told you that.]

Et tu, k_sra?

I am a bad canine friend! I completely forgot to celebrate Brutus' eighth birthday! It was a week ago today. So, I'm not just one week late, I'm seven dog weeks late with this Birthday Wish. Argh! That's what I get for ignoring my desk calendar.

My apologies, Brutus, and many happy returns of the day to you and the dagmeister. : )

(What's the internet equivalent of a dog treat?)

Pickle Trap

I wasted $2.99 this weekend on pickles I don't want. After writing a post here on my blog about the history of pickles and feeling nostalgic I purchased a jar of sweet midgets that looked oh-so-tempting. Open 'em and pull out a real corker of a pickle only to taste the dreaded, the hated, the loathed and despised: Splenda.

The bane of every sweet tooth's existence.

That bastard sugar couldn't taste more like rat poison if you squeezed it from the hind quarters of Mickey Mouse himself.

Nasty. Or as some would say, "blergh."

(above: Click on the picture of me in a pickle funk. I could have spent that 2.99 on something nice. Like cookies or hummus.)

Blogger's Nightmare

I dreamed last night. And what's more, I remembered my dream. It went something like this:

Someone hacked into my blog and turned it into a giant, cavorting, spam-fest. I couldn't log into my account because my password had been changed. I wrote Blogger in an ineffectual attempt to stem the tide of crap that seemed to be inundating my site. Post by post, I watched what was once a thriving world of words and images collapse into "Enhancements/Girl on Girl/Insurance Rate" pinwheels and sky rockets across the internet. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like a pixel cancer spreading without a sound devouring archives, comments, links. The work of two years of my life erased to nothing. Soon the address of 'k-srasra' became a by-word on the web. People would refer to it as 'k-sr*sr*' ommiting vowels just so the creeping, crawling demon that my site had become would not find this mention of its own (usurped) name and rain down destruction on the person who spelled it.

Everything, everything was gone.

When I woke up I was sad. And thirsty.

So I drank some water, tried to remember if this had actually happened or not, and feeling reasonably certain it had not occurred I went back to sleep.

I think what this dream is trying to tell me is that I need to back up my blog. Just in case. Or maybe it's trying to tell me to change my password more frequently. Or more likely, it's just trying to tell me to get a life.

Daddy Yeti

Defective Yeti talks about raising his child. Quite hilarious. Here's an excerpt from his experiences in childbirth classes:

We also learned the father of the child traditionally cuts the umbilical cord. "Why?" I asked, upon hearing this. Our teacher seemed confused by the question, so I clarified. "I mean, is there an actual reason for the father to do it -- like, because he's standing right there anyhow, and the midwife's hands are full -- or is this just a feel-good measure to make the husband feel useful, so, later, with the guys, he can be all, like, 'dude, I totally helped out with that birth!'" The teacher conceded that the latter was the case. Knowing that the cord cutting is purely ceremonial, I've decided to go whole hog. I plan to wear a suit with a sash that reads "DAD," and proclaim "I declare this baby to be ... born!" while cutting the cord with a giant pair of scissors.

Jeepers Creepers

This weird but cool Floating Head is only available for the next 14 days, so take a look. Upload your own.

Lullaby for a Friday

A Thousand Words?

Is this picture worth a thousand words? I don't know, but I do know this picture makes me want to carefully analyze every detail. You know those drawings on the back of Highlights magazine that ask "what's wrong with this picture?" I used to love those.
I don't think there is anything wrong with this picture, per se, but I do think it's a fascinating picture. Take a good long look at it. Tell me what you see. I'll tell you what I see:

1. These guys could start a children's TV show called "Pete and Steve at the Beach."
2. The guy on the right is an awkward catcher. The guy on the left is just awkward.
3. The catcher needs headscreen.
4. The other dude has major tanlines. On his legs.
5. They don't talk about this incident.
6. The two people behind them on the beach are photo junkies.
7. I wonder if their photos are better than this one.
8. There's a red ribbon in the sand.
9. Reminds me of Kabuki.
10. "You put yer right foot in..."

Freaky Illness of the Day

Q. What do you get when a parent uses their child to get attention from the Health community?

A. Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome.

(Learned of it from Shane Evan's blog. Thanks, Shane.)

"True Confessions"

I am the result of Maculate Conception.
I once held my breath underwater for nine months.
My biggest scar is still my belly button.
I can't dance, but I'm such a good performer that people think I can.
Science doesn't interest me unless someone who is excited about it explains it.
I'm no good at buying underwear.
I've never been stung by a bee.
'Purple' is my favorite word, but not my favorite color.
I wanted to be a marine biologist as a child because I thought fish were pretty.
I never see myself in my dreams.

Toothpaste for Dinner

I did not know this. I always learn something new when I visit toothpaste for dinner.

ZOMBO.COM

Welcome to ZOMBO COM! You need to hear it to be as thoroughly confused as I am right now.

The Well-Preserved Pickle

Did you know the pickle has been around since antiquity?

Did you know Napolean, Caesar and George Washington were all pickle enthusiasts?

Did you know Cleopatra attributed some of her beauty to pickles? (Although there's no telling which part.)

In the 13th century pickles were served as the main course at the feast of St. John.

Famous pickle quote: "On a hot day in Virginia, I know nothing more comforting than a fine spiced pickle, brought up trout-like from the sparkling depths of the aromatic jar below the stairs of Aunt Sally's cellar." - Thomas Jefferson

My personal favorite is the Pickle in a Bag found in the heart of New Orleans. Can't find a link, but did find someone giving them away as prizes. I feel that is apt.

Take some time to savor the history of the pickle.

Healing Light

Here's something you probably didn't know: Nitric Oxide is a key molecular ingredient to the body's ability to heal itself. In fact, when wounded, the human body creates a bunch of nitric oxide to help. This unstable gas lasts only ten seconds after being emitted by the cells, but in that time it does a powerful job. It regulates blood pressure, arterial structure and circulation.

Here's the neat part: Infrared light stimulates nitric oxide. You know the little red light on your remote control that tells your TV to change channels? Well, that light is near infrared. Take sixty to a hundred of those babies, strap them onto a wound and you have Anodyne Therapy. This therapy is now being used in hospitals nationwide for diabetes related problems and various other forms of Peripheral Neuropathy (poor circulation, numbness, loss of nerve function). Amazingly, healing with Anodyne has been clocked at twice the normal rate. Doctors prescribe it as preventive treatment to elderly patients. Heck, even the Navy uses it! It'll set you back $1,000 or more, but your insurance just might cover it.

(Shout out to Maria for the info. Love having a nurse in the family!)

Moroccan Ksra

I found this recipe for Ksra Bread on the internet today. Don't ask me why I was looking for ksra recipes on the internet. It's none of your business.

I should definitely try to make this sometime and then regale you all with the disastrous results. Here's the recipe:

This tasty flat bread is usually made to be eaten with tagine, a spicy Moroccan stew. Original recipe yield: 2 loaves.

INGREDIENTS:
7/8 cup water
2 1/4 cups bread flour
3/4 cup semolina flour
1 teaspoon anise seed
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon white sugar
2 teaspoons active dry yeast
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon sesame seeds (optional)

DIRECTIONS:
Place the first set of ingredients in the pan of the bread machine in the order recommended by the manufacturer. Select DOUGH cycle; press Start. Do not put the olive oil or sesame seeds in.
When the dough cycle signals its end, remove the dough from the machine, and punch down. Divide the dough into two halves, and shape into balls. Flatten the balls to a 3/4 inch thickness. Place them on a lightly floured baking sheet. Cover with towels, and let rise until double in size, about 30 minutes.
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Brush the top of each loaf with olive oil, and sprinkle with sesame seeds if you like. Prick the tops of the loaves with a fork.
Bake for 20 to 25 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the loaves are golden, and sound hollow when tapped. Serve warm or cool.

Lizard Locator

Ok, who is this lizard and what does he do for a living?

And go...

Guilty Pleasures

I admit it. I read this blog. And I like it. Snarky comments about celebrities make me laugh. And snicker quietly to myself at my workstation. This is completely normal.

Caption Contest!

This week's new Caption Contest has begun! Don't forget there are Fabulous Prizes to be won, so buckle in and take a ride on the Caption Caboose! (That was completely cornball. I am ashamed.) Let the wonderfully witty words begin!

Afraid to Take His Pants Off

Found a delightful blog written by a man in Hong Kong called Big White Guy. Just good browsing.

Here he meditates on his blog's Sixth Anniversary.

Lap Pillow

Not to be outdone by the snuggling comforts of the 'Boyfriend's Arm' Pillow Japanese Weirdness Wardens have manufactured a 'Girlfriend's Lap' Pillow. What I like is that they decided to give it a little tummy. That seems cozy. Who wouldn't like to nestle their head up against a little tummy...

Ok, that just sounded weird. Darn those Japanese and their freaky little products!

The Two Must-See Videos of the Day

Have a cold glass of Space Dancing with an Apache Boy Chaser. Goes down smooth! (Worth the wait.)

(Thanks to Joey for the Apache find. Thanks to Amy for the Space Dancers.)

And The Winner Is...

How, I ask myself, how will I choose a winner, just one winner from among all the brilliant and clever captions posted for last week's Caption Contest? It is not humanly possible! I mean, have you read some of these captions? They wad me up in little funny knots and little tears have to escape my eyes just to make room for the hysteria. No one envies me the task of choosing a winner (I know because I asked.), but it must be done! So without further adoodoo, I am pleased to announce the following Winners:

Tied for First Prize:

mymo said...
Damn, it feels good to be a Frenchman.

barnzenen said...
While smiling, John thinks to himself, "Do I dare...no... yes! I will undo another button!"

Congratulations, Mymo and Barnzenen! You are this week's First Place Winners! You choose your Fantastic Prize! The prize for this contest is your choice of the following: 1) A random prize selected by k_sra from her local dollar store and shipped to you. [Note: this prize is really random.] 2) A stunt photo of your choosing where k_sra will attempt to create the image of your choosing with random objects and people. 3) A song made up about a topic of your choosing and performed here on the blog.

Runners Up:

Joel said...
"Oh, go ahead and laugh. But we'll see who's lauging in a week when the sprouts start to grow."

Tara said...
Since hearing about the breakup of Barbie and Ken, Bob is finally ready to sweep Barbie off her pointy feet.

You all deserve a V-8. Thanks for quipping!

Foreign Exchange Program

Everytime I link to Mari, the intrepid Finnlander, she either links to me or responds to my questions. I find this particularly charming. Especially since I can't understand what she's saying behind my back. She could be disabusing me to her Finnish friends for all I know. But she still responds. So here I go again, linking to Mari in the hopes that she will come back and write to me. In English. Here's a little note for Mari:


Dear Mari,
If you can read this please tell me how you would say in Finnish, "You Learn Something New Almost Every Day." Could you please translate this for me and tell me how to pronounce it? Thank you.
Your new friend,
Sarah
P.S. What does "SUN ÄITIS SUOSITTELEE" mean in English?

I adopted Tina

Scroll to the very bottom of this page*.

(I'm ashamed of her so I hid her down there. Also she kinda smells...)

* editor's note: I threw Tina away. If I could have put her here in this post, I would have, but seeing as the technology to do so was not available, I chose to "put her down." I am sorry if this disturbs anyone's sense of animated animal rights. I assure you, Tina felt nothing. However, if you think you could be a better caregiver to a virtual animal and would like to give it a go then I encourage you to do so.

adopt your own virtual pet!

Lost Liberty Bed and Breakfast Wasn't Enough

A case of overreacting? Or is it just desserts?

Zardosi Unraveled

What is Zardosi? My sister believes it could be adequately described as the following, "it's when someone is sewing and they add fancy stuff", but she is uncertain. And her uncertainty has led to an unhealthy obsession with this word. She says it. Often. Especially when there is beadwork present somewhere in the room. Knowing how maddening it can be to have a foreign word stuck in your head (gewichteheben: three weeks) I set out to compile a dossier on Zardosi. Here's what I found:

Z A R D O S I

What: An intricate hand embroidery using gold, silver or multi-colored wire on a variety of fabrics. The name originates from the Persian word zarkas which means gold embroidery. Back in the day, the folks who attached seed pearls and precious stones to fabric were called zardos.
Where: Traditional garment work from India.
When: Dates back to ancient India.
Who: Worn by royalty back in the day. This craft still flourishes today. Used most frequently for weddings, movies and special occasions.
Why: Cuz it's perdy! Does there need to be another reason?
How: One fully-decked out sari or gown could take 300 hours of work. Originally real gold wire was used to fasten on the jewels. Now, of course, other metals are used. Sometimes also wrapped in cloth to give them a burnished look.

T H E L O O K

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves

Found at McSweeney's.

You Might Be an Engineer if...

your favorite James Bond character is "Q".
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
your family haven't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
you think the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
you think "cuddling" is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange
you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.
your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.

Chicken Impossible

I seem to be running on some sort of an animal theme here. Be that as it may, I thought I would take another look into the legend of the Headless Chicken of Fruita, Colorado. I'd heard the story from my parents, world travelers that they are, and had a hard time believing it. Until I saw the pictures. Poor old Mike (who didn't earn himself a real name till he had no face to go with it) was decapitated for dinner one day. But he just wouldn't take the hint. He went on living for 18 months and Fruita (a town with apparently nothing else to recommend it other than this freak chicken) now celebrates Mike's Festival once a year down at the olde towne parke. The irony of course, is that they celebrate Mike's will to go on living by slaughtering countless chickens. C'est la vie.

The rest of the story

Manatee Kidneys

Steve DeGroof won last month's Caption Contest with a witty retort about terrorism and chose as his prize an original song composed on the topic of his choice. Steve mentioned Manatee Kidneys and then vetoed it for the slightly less desirable topic of guy's who like girls with balls...

I realize this isn't technically what Steve asked for, but I used my get out of jail free card to avoid singing the song he wanted. Besides, Manatee Kidneys ? Who could resist?

THIS MONTH'S CAPTION CONTEST!!

True or Not?

You tell me, is this six legged llama a fake?
Or is he the real deal?


Look what dag found. I think he's just trying to rub it in.

Word of the Day

luculent: \LOO-kyuh-luhnt\, adjective: Clear; easily understood.

"This billboard fails to be sufficiently luculent. Just like this sentence once I added the word 'luculent'."

Anagrams: An arm gas

Inspired by dag's thoughtful quote (sidebar), I thought we should all take a ride on the Anagram Wagon. Climb aboard and throw your favorite celebrity name or current issue into the mix and see what comes of it. Go ahead, knock yourself out. (or as I like to say: kooky rut flounces)

Other anagram engines:

The one Worldgineer recommends
This other one I found

Summer Beverages

It is summertime. It is hot and sticky and mildly irritating. What we all need is a lovely Summer beverage or two to cool us down and keep us perky and hydrated. I'm fairly certain some, if not all, of you have super satisfying secret summer drink recipes hiding somewhere up your sleeves. So spill 'em!

Here's mine:

So-You-Can-See-The Sunrise

ingredients: 4 ounces cranberry juice
2 1/2 ounces orange juice
Squeeze of fresh lemon juice
Ginger Ale

how to mix: Blend the juices with ice until smooth and pour into a tall 12 ounce glass. Top with ginger ale, Garnish with a fruit stick and serve with a straw. Serve in a tall 12 ounce glass.

How To Make A Mule

For those of you dying to know how you can make a mule (and by the way, they are mostly sterile so you have to keep parents around to have some more) I drew up this dandy chart to help you understand the process:

Table of Condiments

And when they will go bad.

World's Most Boring Post

I'm going to try a little experiment. I am curious to see how hard it actually is to write as boring as possible. I haven't tried to write boring in years. I mean, I spend all my writing time trying to strengthen and simplify my words for maximum impact. But by thus neglecting my boring skills I run the risk of losing these skills altogether. And I can't have that!

Here's my attempt at the world's most boring post. Written from the point of view of a high-schooler at home on a summer day. 10 ¢ to anyone who can find or write a more boring blog post.

"Today we had some hot weather, but not too hot. Hot enough to be kind of humid, too, but also there was a slight breeze. That made the hot less hot. There's always a little breeze, but today there was more than just a little. The lady at the bus stop said that, too, that there was a little bit of breeze and it was nice, cuz otherwise the day would be really hot and too hot is not good. Last week we had a day that was really hot. AND there was no breeze. Not even a little bit of one. And there usually is one, at least a little bit of one. It was so hot I didn't even want to go to out. I asked my mom if I could turn on the air conditioning unit in the living room. I had to turn it on early enough so that my bedroom would be cool, too. Because if my room isn't cool enough I can't sleep. It's too hot to sleep sometimes, so I turn on the air conditioning unit in the living room. It's the only one I have. I don't have one in my bedroom. Anyways, it doesn't really matter except on days when it is TOO hot like that day last week I was just talking about when we didn't have any breeze and it got hot. Right now I'm just sitting here in my living room (but the air conditioning unit is not on right now because there is a breeze and it is cool enough for now so we don't need it on) and I am writing this post so my friends at school can keep in touch with me during the summer. Hey guys. I would be outside right now except I ran out of asthma meds."

All The Love You Deserve

Found at Suck.com

Comments and Suggestions Page

I would like some great quotes about this blog that I can put into the side bar (see the quote about the Turkish bath from my good friend and finance manager Bill Gates).

Some descriptive phrases or comments or criticisms would not go amiss.

Thanks, love. You're a doll.

Hide Your Hound

Keep your vicious attack animal safe from prying eyes when in public. I'm thinking of getting one for that wicked ficcus in my living room.

Caption Contest!

You may now submit your wittiest captions ever for this photo stolen straight off the pages of Handknits for Young Moderns.

We're all vying for fantastic prizes here, people!

Fantastic Prizes!

Twenty Questions

Have you seen this 20Q.net, web version of twenty questions?

I've never gotten a decent guess out of the thing. Like just now I chose the word, "pencil" which it couldn't guess in twenty questions (but did get in 22) and then it told me it was my fault because I answered two of it's questions wrong.

I think it's just a bad loser.

Nobody likes a bad loser, 20Q.net.

What the Finn?

It would appear that I have received a Blog Credit from the Finnish website I randomly linked to before, but just like last time I have no fecking clue what they are saying. Does anybody know what the reference to my blog is? Other than "this person linked to my blog. does anybody know what the feck they are saying about it?"

I need a translation at table ten please!

Two Siblings

Ah, behold the power of persuasion and a total lack of common sense! Here I sit in a basement on the other side of town from my dwelling at nine in the morning blogging what will seem to me after a good morning's sleep, a total and complete waste of time.

Scratch that. Not a complete waste. Not at all. Very poor quality, but still worth the bother.

My brother Joel and I have made a short film!

That may be the only type of project that can keep me up all night. We started at 3:00 yesterday afternoon and have not ceased to work on it until say twenty minutes ago.

I am so tired I can't even poke fun at myself or at my readers. I am too tired to make any nonsensical, paradoxical or otherwise interesting anecdotes about the project. Tired... sleepy tired

So, enjoy, and take care and... (fails at wit) ok, bye.

TWO SOLDIERS

Finding Andrew

I bet you're all wondering what happened to the guy from South Africa whom I pulled from the depths of obscurity and launched to international stardom via this blog. Well, he wrote me and here's what he said:

Hi, I'm probably the guy who is responsible for all the hits from South Africa. My name is Andrew. You have a very entertaining blog, and I enjoy reading it- I guess that's my only quest. I live in the very beautiful city of Cape Town, on the southern tip of Africa, and my favourite color is probably a deep, sea blue. I thought I should write after seeing your blog entry as I know what incurable curiosity can feel like. I've sent you a picture that I took from an airplane of Mount Kiliminjaro, the highest mountain in Africa, on a recent trip to Kenya. If you would like to know any more info on life in South Africa, I would be happy to share.
Best regards,
Andrew

Isn't he great? I wish I had more friends like Andrew! Especially if they're also willing to put me up in their house should I ever visit South Africa. Best part is, Andrew "would be happy to share" about life in South Africa. So, does anybody have any questions for Andrew?

Say It Loud: I Blog And I'm Proud!

Found this today:

If, as you live your life, you find yourself mentally composing blog entries about it, post this exact same sentence in your weblog.

I do that. A lot.

(Scraped off of Dustbunny's page.)

See the Light

Drawing from a book I gave myself for my twenty-fifth birthday. ( I have weird habits. Drawing myself pictures is only one of them.)

I just ran across this one again and remembered how much fun it was to do that project.

Do you ever give yourself presents for your own birthday?

And the Winner IS!

Last month's Caption Contest has finally ended! (Mostly because I was in danger of forgetting about it entirely if I didn't end it now.)

And the Winner is:

Steve DeGroof with his entry...

"Remember kids, if you can't wear ugly
sweaters and eat marshmallows off long forks, then the terrorists have won."

Congratulations, Steve! The prize for this contest is your choice of the following: 1) A random prize selected by k_sra from her local dollar store and shipped to you (you seriously never know what you might get. It could be an umbrella or a puffer ball or false hair extensions.) 2) A stunt photo of your choosing 3) A song made up about a topic of your choosing and performed here on the blog.

Runners up:

Anonymous said...
"Man, that guy at eHarmony does not lie! You guys are perfect for each other!"

Steve DeGroof said...
"Communists look just like everyone else. Can you tell which one is the communist? Is it him? Or him? Or maybe her? Or is it YOU?"

Anonymous said...
"Yes, he may look the same, feel the same, even dress the same. But if that litmus test marshmallow turns pink, burn him like a motherf*cker."

Thanks to everyone who participated. If I was rich I'd buy you all an ice cream. : )

_osti_g without 'n' or 'P'

I heard that the effects of dyslexia are similar to how it would feel to try to talk without the use of the two letters listed above. Try it sometime today. Talk to a co-worker or family member without the use of these two letters. It's quite difficult to do. This whole essay is rather difficult to write because I have avoided them totally.

It is true that dyslexia has destroyed lives, but equally true it has graced the lives of several very smart guys:

Albert Ei_stei_
Thomas Ediso_
Auguste Rodi_
George _atto_
Woodrow Wilso_

There's a very cool article you should take a look at with regard to dyslexia.
I liked it.

Guess what? 1 of 5 US kids has dyslexia. (I cheated with the 1. So sue me!) That's 20% of the USA, folks. (I cheated with the % symbol. So tricky!)

For more facts go here.

Sex-For-Security Scam

And in Local News today...

Pop Quiz: Flowers

Name three edible flowers NOT listed in the title bar above.

And go...

(From the title bar: Edible flowers include: cloves, capers, roses, safflower, violets, chrysanthemum, nasturtium, marigold, jasmine, hibiscus, elderflower, hyssop, ratafia; orange, peach, plum and squash blossoms; red poppy, honeysuckle, mimosa, lemon flowers, garlic flowers, forget-me-nots, primula, lotus blossoms, primrose, pansies, pinks, daisys, rocquette flowers, fuchsias, carnations, chive flowers, hollyhock, gladiolus, tulips, yucca, mustard flowers, bean blossoms, and dandelions.)

Champagne at the Bit

I thought I knew what a Magnum of champagne was, but I was wrong. A Magnum actually means two bottles of champagne. Did you know there are other names for larger quantities?

Check these bad boys out
(Looks like someone robbed
the Bible for these names):

Magnum = 2 bottles
Jeroboam = 4 bottles
Rehoboam = 6 bottles
Methuselah = 8 bottles
Salmanazar = 12 bottles
Balthazar = 16 bottles
Nebuchadnezzar = 20 bottles

Your Maloof Moment

Revisiting My 100th Post

Let's go back in time to July 30th, 2004, where I promised to post 100 pieces of useless information in honor of my 100th post. Well guess what?

I finally finished it!

And if half the links are duds because it's been so long since they were posted, I don't want to hear about it! (OK, yes I do.)

Here's to finishing what you set out to do!

Embarrass, Minnesota

Yes, but is it embarrassing?

Burst your Bubble

Virtual Bubble Wrap

Thanks to just a girl for the find.

Soda Pop Quiz

Fizz and Burp

My score: 6/10

Pop Quiz

There will be a test next week on edible flowers so I'd study the list in the title bar now if I were you!

Kudos Nudos

Mark Roberts is a very special man, bringing his form of public entertainment to new lows.

380 streaks in the last ten years! (I laugh as I write this.) His poor children. "Hisn't your dad that balmy streaker what takes his cloving off at sporting events?"

Your Random Photo of the Day

Stand still and earn money!

Burn, Baby, Burn!

It's important to remember that there are tortured imaginations running around in the desert each year. It's good to know that glowing stilt walkers will still be careening around the sands of our country's vast wilderness.

I should not really mock these (pot smoking, hippie, freak) people considering I am a thin nervous breakdown away from becoming one myself. But I will say this: It is on the list. One of these summers I will be there, duct taping giant eyeballs onto a hay silo... or something. Hmm, I'm gonna have to think about this one.

Fountain of Youth

Standing half in half out of the kiddie pool,
Limbs delicately poised on its edges,
he reaches out to take the water hose
and sprays down everything in sight.

(a little poem in honor of my nephew)

Standing Near Celebrities

So, while performing jazz standards at a benefit dinner it became readily apparent that I needed to have my picture taken with local celebrity and emcee Wayne Dawson. I mean, everyone else was doing it. As I sidled up to him for the shot, I asked, "Do you ever feel like a cardboard cutout?" He roared with laughter and they took the shot.

Roaring with laughter is the best possible answer to any question.

Gravity's Rainbow Illustrated

This collection of Zak Smith's illustrations for Gravity's Rainbow is too good to pass up. Never read the book, but may have to. Zak Smith created an illustration for every page. Talk about a labor of love. Fascinating, if depressingly post-modern.
Don't ask me why, but I really like this shoe.

Stole it off of Calum, yet again. (the link, not the shoe.)

Laughter: Best Medicine?

I think so.

thanks to Tara